Is being honest an excuse to be harsh?
You can be right and still say it the wrong way. Here is how the Prophet ﷺ corrected people.
We all know someone who says, "I'm just being honest." Sometimes that someone is us.
You tell your brother his prayer was too fast, in front of the whole family. You tell a friend her hijab is wrong, in the group chat. What you said may be true. But the way you said it hurt, and now they don't want to hear it.
Islam cares about what you say. It also cares about how you say it.
Is it okay to be harsh if I'm right?
No. When Allah sent Musa (AS) and his brother Harun (AS) to Pharaoh, He told them to speak to him gently. Pharaoh was one of the worst men who ever lived, and he still got a gentle word.
Allah also tells us in the Quran to speak to people in a good way. That means everyone, not only the people we like.
How did the Prophet ﷺ correct people?
One day a man from the desert came into the masjid and urinated on the floor. The companions got angry and rushed at him. The Prophet ﷺ told them to leave him alone and pour a bucket of water on the spot. Then he told them they were sent to make things easy for people, not hard.
Another time, a man started talking in the middle of the prayer because he didn't know it wasn't allowed. People gave him angry looks. After the prayer, the Prophet ﷺ called him over and simply explained the rule. The man said later that he never saw a better teacher. The Prophet ﷺ didn't shout at him, hit him or insult him.
You were sent to make things easy for people, not to make them hard.
Doesn't being gentle make me look weak?
Allah says in the Quran that if the Prophet ﷺ had been harsh, people would have left him. His gentleness is one of the reasons they stayed.
The Prophet ﷺ also said Allah is gentle and loves gentleness. He said gentleness makes anything better, and taking it away makes things worse.
You can still be firm. You can still say no. Just say it kindly.
How do I correct someone the right way?
Before you say anything, ask yourself: do I want to help this person, or do I just want to be right?
If you want to help, talk to them alone, not in front of others. Wait until you are calm. Explain why, instead of only saying "that's wrong."
And when someone asks you a simple question, answer it kindly. Nobody should feel stupid for asking.
What if I already said it the wrong way?
Go back and say sorry. You don't have to take back what you said. Just say sorry for how you said it. It takes a few seconds, and it can fix a lot.
The Prophet ﷺ said nothing will be heavier on the scale on the Day of Judgment than good character. Speaking kindly is a big part of good character.
What to do
- Correct people in private when you can.
- Wait until you are calm before you say anything.
- Explain the reason, not only the rule.
- Say sorry for a harsh tone, even when you were right.
What not to do
- Do not correct someone in front of others to make a point.
- Do not make anyone feel stupid for asking a question.
- Do not mock someone for not knowing something.
- Do not use "I was just being honest" as an excuse to be rude.
One last thing
Think of one person you were harsh with this year. This week, send them a message: "I'm sorry for the way I said that."
Source: Quran 20:42-44; Quran 2:83; Sahih al-Bukhari 6128; Sahih Muslim 537; Quran 3:159; Sahih Muslim 2593; Sahih Muslim 2594; Jami` at-Tirmidhi 2002
SM
The teaching in this post comes from the Quran and the hadith listed above. I only put it in plain words. The tips on what to do and what not to do are my own advice. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.