You stopped looking at her
You come home, you pick up the phone, you turn on the TV. She is still in the room. You just stopped seeing her.
Everyone knows the honeymoon ends. Nobody tells you how.
It does not end with a big fight. It ends like this. You come home from work. You pick up your phone. You turn on the TV. You are tired, you are busy, you have a few things to read, and then your friends message and you are out until midnight.
She is still in the house. You just stopped looking at her.
Who are you to do that to her?
Ask yourself that. Not angrily. Honestly.
You married her. That means something. Not just on the day. Every day after it. And a wife who is ignored does not stay the same person. Something in her goes quiet, and one day you look up and wonder where she went.
She did not go anywhere. You stopped seeing her.
It works the other way too
A husband can be ignored just as easily. He comes home and nobody asks how it went. He is furniture. The children get the attention, the phone gets the attention, and he gets what is left, which is nothing.
So this is not a lecture for men. Whoever reads it first is the one who goes first.
Reassure them. Every day.
Go out of your way to make sure your spouse knows they matter to you. That you love them. That to you they are the most beautiful person there is. Say it. Show it.
Not just on the wedding night. Every night. Not just in Ramadan or on Eid. Every ordinary Tuesday.
And here is the part people miss. Making your spouse feel loved is an act of worship. It is not time stolen from the deen. It is the deen.
It is not time stolen from the deen. It is the deen.
What Nabi ﷺ did
He noticed. Aisha said he could tell whether she was pleased or upset with him just from how she said his name. He was paying that much attention.
He played. Aisha raced him on a journey and won. Years later she raced him again and he won, and he laughed and said, “This one is for that one.”
And when a companion was fasting every day and praying every night, Nabi ﷺ stopped him and said: your body has a right over you, and your wife has a right over you.
Your wife has a right over you. Even against extra worship. Never mind against your phone.
It is bigger than the two of you
A marriage where nobody is looked at becomes a broken home. One broken home, then two, then a whole community full of them. That is how it happens. Not with a bang. One ignored spouse at a time.
And your children are watching. They will not remember what you told them about marriage. They will remember how you spoke to their mother. How you looked at their father. That is the marriage they will go and build.
What to do
- Phone down for the first ten minutes when you walk in. Look at her. Ask one real question and listen to the answer.
- Say something kind before you say anything practical. “You look tired, sit down” before “what is for dinner.”
- Do one small thing for your spouse every single day that they did not ask for. A tea. A message at lunch. Their side of the bed made.
What not to do
- Do not save affection for special days. Eid is one day. Marriage is the other 364.
- Do not tell yourself she knows you love her. She knows what you show her. That is all anyone knows.
- Do not come home at midnight from your friends and call it unwinding. That is a second life, and she is not in it.
One line that matters
None of this applies if you are being hurt. If there is violence, or you are afraid of the person you live with, tell someone you trust and get help.
One last thing
Allah says He put love and mercy between you so that you could find rest in each other. Rest. Not a roommate you scroll past on the way to the fridge.
Source: Sahih al-Bukhari 5199; Sahih al-Bukhari 5228; Sunan Abi Dawud 2578; Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1162; Quran 4:19; Quran 30:21
SM
These are my own opinions, based on what I have seen and what I have been through. It is completely fine for you to see it differently. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.