When someone you love dies

If someone close to you has died, may Allah have mercy on them, and give you patience and comfort.

Allah says: every soul will taste death¹. He gives good news to the patient, who say when a loss comes: Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un, we belong to Allah and to Him we return².

Nabi ﷺ taught this dua for the moment of loss: Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un. Allahumma'jurni fi musibati, wa akhlif li khayran minha. O Allah, reward me in my loss, and give me something better after it. Umm Salamah said it when her husband died, and Allah gave her Nabi ﷺ himself as her next husband³.

After a death, the community does four things: wash the body, wrap it in a shroud, pray the Janazah, and bury it. Washing and shrouding are in Before and after death. This chapter covers the rest, and the time after.

Do not delay. Nabi ﷺ said: hurry with the body. If it was a good person, you are taking them to something good⁴.

Why the Janazah prayer matters

The Janazah (funeral prayer) is a dua the living make together for a Muslim who has died.

• It is fard kifayah: a duty on the community. If some people pray it, the rest are free. If nobody does, all who knew are at fault.
• The reward: stay until the prayer and you get one qirat. Stay until the burial and you get two. Nabi ﷺ was asked what two qirats are. He said: like two huge mountains⁵.
• Your presence helps them. If forty Muslims who worship only Allah pray over someone, Allah accepts their prayer for them⁶. So go, even if you hardly knew the person.
• Women may pray it too. Aisha had the body of Sa'd ibn Abi Waqqas brought into the masjid so she could pray over him⁷.

Before the prayer

• You need wudu, and you face the qibla, like any salah. There is no adhan and no iqamah.
• The body lies in front of the imam, across the qibla. The people stand in straight rows behind him.
• Masjid or outside? Nabi ﷺ prayed a Janazah in the masjid⁸, and often at a prayer ground outside. Shafi'is and Hanbalis say both are fine. Hanafis and Malikis prefer outside the masjid. Follow your masjid.
• Times. Nabi ﷺ told us not to pray or bury our dead while the sun is rising, at its highest point, or setting⁹.
• Who leads? Usually the family asks the masjid imam, or a close male relative leads. Shafi'is put the closest male relative first. Malikis and Hanbalis put first the person the deceased named in their will.

Where the imam stands

Anas stood by the head of a man and the middle of a woman, and said Nabi ﷺ did the same¹⁰¹¹. Nabi ﷺ stood at the middle of a woman who died in childbirth¹². The schools:

This is only what is best. The prayer counts either way.

How to pray the Janazah

You pray it standing the whole time. There is no ruku (bowing) and no sujud (prostration). It has four takbirs (saying Allahu akbar). Nabi ﷺ said four takbirs when he prayed for An-Najashi¹³. Make the intention in your heart, then:

Where the schools differ

• Hanafi: after the first takbir, the thana (Subhanakallahumma), not Al-Fatiha. Hands raised only at the first takbir.
• Maliki: no Al-Fatiha. Dua after every takbir, starting with praise of Allah and salawat. Hands raised only at the first.
• Shafi'i and Hanbali: as in the table. Hands raised with every takbir.
• Everything is said quietly, except the imam's takbirs and salam. Follow your imam.

The dua for the one who died

Nabi ﷺ said: make your dua for them sincere¹⁷. One of his duas:

• Allahummaghfir lahu warhamhu, wa afihi wa'fu anhu. O Allah, forgive him, have mercy on him, give him peace and pardon him. It goes on to ask for a wide grave, a better home, and safety from the Fire¹⁸.
• For a woman, say laha and -ha in place of lahu and -hu. Do not know the Arabic yet? A sincere dua in your own language is fine.

The salam

Say Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullah. Hanafis and Shafi'is give two salams, right then left. Malikis and Hanbalis give one, to the right.

Joining late, at the grave, and from far away

If you join late

• Hanafis and Malikis: wait for the imam's next takbir and join with it. Shafi'is and Hanbalis: join straight away.
• After the imam's salam, make up the takbirs you missed, then give salam. If the body is being lifted, say them quickly.

Praying at the grave

A person who cleaned the masjid died, and nobody told Nabi ﷺ. When he found out, he said: show me the grave, and he prayed the Janazah there¹⁹.

• Shafi'is and Hanbalis: if you missed the Janazah, you may pray it at the grave.
• Hanafis and Malikis: only if the person was buried with no Janazah at all.

From far away (ghaib)

When An-Najashi died in Abyssinia, Nabi ﷺ lined the people up in Madinah and prayed for him with four takbirs²⁰.

• Shafi'is and Hanbalis allow this for someone who died in another place.
• Hanafis and Malikis say it was special to An-Najashi.
• Some scholars take a middle view: pray it if nobody prayed for the person where they died.

A child, a lost baby, and someone who took their own life

A child

Nabi ﷺ said: the child is prayed over²¹. For a child, the dua is made for the parents, asking forgiveness and mercy for them²². Scholars recommend: O Allah, make this child go ahead of us and wait for us, and make them a reward for us.

A baby lost in pregnancy

Nabi ﷺ said a miscarried baby is prayed over²³. Scholars differ on when:

• Hanafis, Malikis and Shafi'is: pray the Janazah if the baby showed a sign of life, like a cry or a breath.
• Hanbalis: pray over any baby lost after four months of pregnancy, even with no sign of life.
• A baby whose shape had formed is wrapped and buried with respect. Many scholars recommend giving the baby a name.

Someone who took their own life

This is one of the hardest losses. Taking one's own life is a major sin, but the person is still a Muslim, and the community still prays the Janazah. This is the view of most scholars.

• Nabi ﷺ once did not pray over such a man himself²⁴. Scholars explain this was a warning, and others still prayed. Some say the main imam may hold back for the same reason.
• Nabi ﷺ made dua for a man who harmed himself and died: O Allah, forgive his hands too²⁵.
• Many who do this are very ill or in deep pain. Allah alone judges. Pray for them, and do not let anyone shame the family.

Carrying and following the body

• Walk at a quick, gentle pace²⁶. Men carry the bier.
• Nabi ﷺ, Abu Bakr and Umar walked in front of the body²⁷. Hanafis prefer walking behind. Both are fine.
• Be quiet and thoughtful, and make dua in your heart. Many scholars say loud group chanting with the body is not from the Sunnah.
• If you walk with it, do not sit until the body is put down²⁸.

The burial

The grave

• Nabi ﷺ said: dig, and make it wide²⁹.
• Best is a lahd: a niche dug into the qibla side of the grave. Sa'd asked for a lahd as was made for Nabi ﷺ³⁰. A straight trench is also fine.

Lowering the body

• Men lower the body, even for a woman³¹, usually close relatives.
• The body goes in from the foot end. A Companion did this and said: this is the sunnah³².
• The one lowering it says: Bismillahi wa ala sunnati rasulillah, in the name of Allah, and on the way of His Messenger³³.
• Lay the body on its right side, facing the qibla. All scholars agree on this. Untie the knots of the shroud, close the niche with bricks or boards, and fill in the earth.

Three handfuls, and dua

• Nabi ﷺ threw three handfuls of earth into a grave, from the side of the head³⁴. It is good for those present to do the same.
• After a burial he would stand at the grave and say: ask forgiveness for your brother, and ask Allah to keep him firm, because he is being questioned now³⁵. So stay a little, and each person makes dua quietly: Allahummaghfir lahu, Allahumma thabbithu. O Allah, forgive him. O Allah, keep him firm.

Marking the grave, and no building

• Nabi ﷺ put a stone at the head of Uthman ibn Maz'un's grave, so I know the grave of my brother³⁶. A simple marker is fine. The grave is raised a little, about a hand span.
• He forbade plastering graves, sitting on them, and building over them³⁷, and warned against making graves places of prayer³⁸.

Visiting graves

Nabi ﷺ said: visit graves³⁹, they remind you of the Hereafter⁴⁰. When you enter a graveyard, say⁴¹:

Assalamu alaykum ahlad-diyari minal-mu'minina wal-muslimin, wa inna in sha Allahu bikum lalahiqun. As'alullaha lana wa lakumul-afiyah.

Peace be on you, believers and Muslims who live here. We will join you, if Allah wills. I ask Allah for well-being for us and for you.

• Make dua for them, and remember your own death.
• Do not sit or step on graves. Sitting on a burning coal would be better⁴².
• Ask Allah, not the dead. Do not ask the person in the grave for help, make vows to them, or walk around graves.
• Women visiting: scholars differ. Many allow it now and then, calmly, since Nabi ﷺ taught Aisha what to say there⁴³. Others say it is disliked. One hadith warns women who visit graves very often⁴⁴.

Condolence: comforting the family

Comforting the family is called ta'ziyah. A believer who comforts a brother in his loss, Allah will dress in clothes of honor on the Day of Judgement⁴⁵.

What to say

Nabi ﷺ sent these words to his grieving daughter⁴⁶: Inna lillahi ma akhadha, wa lahu ma a'ta, wa kullu shay'in indahu bi ajalin musamma, faltasbir waltahtasib. What Allah took was His, and what He gave was His. Everything with Him has a set time. So be patient, and hope for the reward.

• Or say, in any language: may Allah make your reward great, give you patience, and forgive the one you lost.
• Keep it short and kind. Being there matters more than words.
• Most scholars say condolence is in the first three days. If you were away or heard late, give it when you can.

Bring them food

When Ja'far died, Nabi ﷺ said: make food for the family of Ja'far, something has come to them that keeps them busy⁴⁷. So neighbors and relatives feed the family, not the other way round.

Grief and mourning

Crying is allowed

When his baby son Ibrahim was dying, Nabi ﷺ cried. Asked about it, he said: this is mercy. Then: the eyes shed tears and the heart is sad, but we only say what pleases our Lord. O Ibrahim, we are sad to lose you⁴⁸. Tears are not weak faith. They are love.

What is not allowed

• He is not one of us who slaps his cheeks, tears his clothes, and cries out like the people before Islam⁴⁹.
• Avoid angry words against Allah's decree.

Patience and its reward

• Nabi ﷺ said: real patience is at the first shock⁵⁰. Patience is not the absence of sadness. It is not turning away from Allah.
• Allah says: the patient will be given their reward without measure⁵¹.
• Parents who lose a child: Nabi ﷺ said those whose young children die will be taken into Jannah by Allah's mercy⁵², even if two die⁵³. If the parent praises Allah, Allah says: build for My servant a house in Jannah, and call it the House of Praise⁵⁴.

We hope to meet again

Allah says believers enter Jannah with the righteous among their parents, spouses and children⁵⁵. Nabi ﷺ said: a person will be with those they love⁵⁶. And at the graves he said: we will join you, if Allah wills⁵⁷.

How long to mourn

• For a relative, outward mourning is up to three days. Nabi ﷺ allowed no more than three, except for a husband⁵⁸.
• Outward mourning means not dressing up, no perfume, no celebrations. The sadness in your heart can last much longer. That is normal.

A widow

A woman whose husband dies waits four months and ten days⁵⁹. If she is pregnant, it ends when the baby is born⁶⁰. This waiting is called iddah. She stays in her home at night, and avoids perfume, make-up, jewelry and dressy clothes⁶¹. She may go out for needs, like work or the doctor. The details are in the chapter Iddah: the waiting time, later in this guide.

What helps the one who died

Nabi ﷺ said: when a person dies, their deeds stop, except three: a charity that keeps giving, useful knowledge, and a righteous child who makes dua for them⁶². You can also give these gifts:

• Dua. The best gift. Allah praises those who say: our Lord, forgive us and our brothers who went before us in faith⁶³.
• Charity. A man asked: my mother died suddenly; if I give charity for her, will she get the reward? Nabi ﷺ said yes⁶⁴.
• Hajj for them. A woman's mother vowed Hajj but died. Nabi ﷺ said: do Hajj for her⁶⁵. Most scholars say do your own Hajj first.
• Pay their debts, quickly. The believer's soul is held by its debt until it is paid⁶⁶. Pay them from what they left, before inheritance. Family may also pay⁶⁷.

Reciting Quran for them

Scholars differ on whether the reward reaches the dead. Hanafis and Hanbalis say it does. Classical Malikis and Shafi'is say it does not, and many later Shafi'is say it does if you ask Allah to give them the reward. So you may recite for them if you wish. You do not have to. Dua and charity reach them by agreement.

Practices that are not from the Sunnah

Many customs have grown up around death. People mean well, but many scholars say these are not from the Sunnah:

• Fixed gatherings on set days, like the third, seventh or fortieth day, or each year.
• The grieving family cooking for guests. A Companion said they used to count gathering at the family's home and them making food as a kind of wailing⁶⁸.
• Building on graves, plastering them, or lighting candles on them⁶⁹.
• Asking the dead for help, or vows at graves. Dua is only to Allah.

If your family does some of these, be gentle. Grief is not the time to argue. Do what is right yourself, and explain kindly later.

Common questions

Can women attend the burial?

Women may pray the Janazah, everyone agrees. Going to the graveyard is where scholars differ. Umm Atiyyah said women were told not to follow funerals, but it was not made strict⁷⁰. Hanafis say women should not go. Shafi'is and Hanbalis say it is disliked, not forbidden. Malikis allow an older woman, and a younger woman for a close relative like a parent, child, husband or brother. If you go, stay calm, without wailing.

My non-Muslim parent died. May I go to the funeral?

Yes. Be with your family and help. When Abu Talib died, Nabi ﷺ told Ali: go and bury your father⁷¹. You do not join another religion's worship, and the Janazah and asking forgiveness are only for Muslims⁷². Your love and grief are natural.

The family wants a big gathering on day 3 or day 40.

As above, many scholars say fixed days are not from the Sunnah, and the grieving family should not carry the cost. If the family holds one anyway, you may go to comfort them and make dua, without treating the day as a religious duty. Keep the peace.

I missed the Janazah. Can I pray it on my own later?

Shafi'is and Hanbalis say you may pray it at the grave⁷³. Hanafis and Malikis say only if no Janazah was prayed at all. In every school, your dua for them, at any time, reaches them.

My father died abroad and I could not travel.

Shafi'is and Hanbalis allow the Janazah in absence, as Nabi ﷺ prayed for An-Najashi⁷⁴. Hanafis and Malikis do not. Ask your local masjid. Your dua, charity and paying his debts all reach him.