Can I tell anyone my spouse's secrets?
Before you call your sister or your best friend about your spouse
You are on the phone with your sister or your closest friend, upset with your spouse. And you are about to tell them the one thing your husband or wife has only ever told you.
This post is about keeping your spouse's secrets in Islam: what you have to keep, and when you are allowed to talk.
Is a secret between husband and wife a trust?
Yes. Nabi ﷺ said that when someone tells you something and then looks around to check who is listening, what they said is a trust.
Allah tells believers to give trusts back to their owners and never to betray them. You give a secret back by keeping it.
Allah also calls husband and wife garments for each other. A garment covers.
Did this ever happen in the Prophet's own home?
Yes, and the Quran tells the story:
1. Nabi ﷺ told one of his wives something in confidence.
2. She passed it on.
3. Allah told him what she had done.
4. When he mentioned it to her, she asked: who told you?
5. He said: the One who knows everything told me.
That story is in Surah at-Tahrim, and it has been read by every generation since.
What about our private life together?
That is the most private of all. Nabi ﷺ said one of the worst people in Allah's sight on the Day of Judgment is a man who is intimate with his wife, and she with him, and then he spreads her secret.
Scholars say the same goes for a wife. What happens between the two of you stays between the two of you.
Can I vent to my mother or my friends?
Venting feels like it helps. But every time you tell your side, they only hear the worst of your spouse. And they remember it long after the two of you have made up.
Allah tells us not to backbite, and backbiting is saying something about someone that they would hate to hear said.
So before you talk, ask yourself: can this person actually help? If not, you are not asking for help. You are complaining about your spouse behind their back.
So when am I allowed to talk?
When you are asking someone who can actually help.
A woman once told Nabi ﷺ that her husband was stingy and did not give her enough for herself and her children. She named his fault, to the one person who could tell her what to do. He did not tell her off. He answered her question.
The Quran also says that when a marriage is in serious trouble, someone from his family and someone from hers should step in to help. They cannot help without hearing what is wrong.
So talking to an imam, a counselor, or a wise relative who is trying to help is allowed. Tell them what they need to know to help, and no more.
And if you are ever in danger, telling someone is always allowed.
What to do
- Before you call someone, ask: can this person actually help?
- Take real problems to an imam, a counselor or a wise relative, not a group chat.
- Tell your spouse directly what upset you, before you tell anyone else.
- If you have already shared something you should not have, tell your spouse and make it right.
What not to do
- Do not share what happens in your bedroom with anyone.
- Do not use their secrets as a weapon in a fight.
- Do not tell your family every argument. They will forgive you, and they may not forgive your spouse.
- Do not post about your marriage problems online, even without names.
One last thing
Your spouse told you those things because they trusted you more than anyone else.
This week, the next time you are upset and reach for your phone, stop and ask: can the person I am about to call actually help?
Source: Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1959; Quran 4:58; Quran 8:27; Quran 2:187; Quran 66:3-4; Sahih Muslim 1437 (al-Albani judged its chain weak); Quran 49:12; Sahih al-Bukhari 5364; Quran 4:35
SM
The teaching in this post comes from the Quran and the hadith listed above. I only put it in plain words. The tips on what to do and what not to do are my own advice. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.