There is no such thing as a perfect spouse
The perfect husband or wife you see online is only their best 30 seconds. You are comparing it to your whole year.
It is late. Your spouse is asleep, and you are scrolling. A couple on a beach. A husband surprising his wife with flowers. A wife who cooks, laughs and never looks tired.
You put the phone down and look at your own marriage, and it feels small. Comparing your marriage to the couples you see online is one of the quietest ways a marriage falls apart.
What are you actually comparing?
Thirty seconds. That is what you saw. The beach, not the argument in the car on the way there. The flowers, not the bills on the table behind them.
You are comparing their best thirty seconds to your whole year: your tired mornings, your money worries, the dishes nobody washed.
And it is never just one couple. It is the ring, the house, the holiday, the husband who always says the right thing, the wife who always looks her best. Put together, they are a spouse who does not exist.
No real marriage wins that comparison. Not even theirs.
What does comparing do to a marriage?
It changes what you see when you look at your spouse. You stop seeing what they do and start counting what they do not do.
You stop saying thank you, because next to the people on your screen, what they did feels like nothing. Nabi ﷺ said that whoever does not thank people has not thanked Allah. Your spouse is the person you should be thanking most.
Then one day, in a fight, it comes out: why can't you be like him? Why can't you be like her? Those words do not go away.
So should I expect a perfect spouse?
No. Nabi ﷺ said a believing man should not hate a believing woman: if he dislikes one thing in her, he will be pleased with another. He said it to husbands, and the same is true the other way round.
You will not like some things about your spouse, and they will not like some things about you. That is not a broken marriage. That is every marriage.
Allah says that if you dislike something in your spouse, it may be that He has put a lot of good in it.
And when Allah describes marriage, He does not promise perfection. He says He put love and mercy between you. Mercy is for the days that are not perfect.
But love and mercy do not run on their own. You build them, a little every day. A good marriage is two imperfect people who keep choosing each other, every day.
What did the best marriage actually look like?
His wife Aisha said two months could pass, three new moons, without a fire being lit to cook in his homes. They lived on dates and water. Nothing about it would look good online.
But look at what it was made of. When she was asked what Nabi ﷺ did at home, she said he helped his family with the housework, until it was time to pray. He led a whole community outside, and at home he was gentle.
On a journey, he raced her on foot, and she won. Years later they raced again and he won. He laughed and told her, this one is for that one.
And he said the best of you are the ones who are best to their wives, and that he was the best of them to his.
None of it cost money. None of it was filmed. That is the marriage worth comparing yourself to.
Why does comparing hurt so much?
Allah tells us not to stretch our eyes toward what He has given others to enjoy, the shine of this world. What your Lord gives you is better, and it lasts.
Nabi ﷺ taught a simple habit for this. When you look at someone who has more than you, also look at someone who has less. Then you see what you already have.
Someone scrolling past your life right now may be wishing they had a husband who comes home, or a wife who waits up for him.
Should I post my marriage online?
Keep what is between you two private. The couples who post the most are not always the happiest, and a marriage is not content.
Nabi ﷺ said the evil eye is real. A happy home does not need an audience. It needs the two people inside it.
So what do I do with my own marriage?
Look at your spouse the way you looked at that video. Find the good on purpose: who made the tea, who stayed up with the baby, who still asks how your day was.
If you want more from your marriage, more time, more kindness, more fun, say it to your spouse, kindly. Not to your feed. They cannot fix what they have never been told.
Then copy the Prophet ﷺ, not the people online. Help at home without being asked. Do one small, silly thing together, like that race. Small things done for years are what a good marriage is made of.
What if I am not married yet?
Then this is the time to ask the real questions. Not whether they are perfect, because they will not be, and neither are you. Ask whether you match where it matters: deen, values, how you talk to each other, and how you each handle an argument.
Sort these out before the nikah, not after. And never plan on children to fix what is not working. A child is a blessing on top of a strong marriage, not a repair for a weak one.
Then go in ready to stay. No marriage comes with a guarantee. It is something you build every day, and when the intention and the effort are right, Allah makes it easy.
One honest note: this post is about the ordinary unhappiness of comparing. If your marriage is truly harmful to you, that is different. Talk to someone you trust, or a counselor.
What to do
- Notice three good things your spouse did this week, and thank them for one.
- Tell your spouse what you wish for, kindly, instead of showing it to your feed.
- Mute or unfollow accounts that leave you unhappy with your own home.
- Do one small thing together this week that costs nothing.
What not to do
- Do not compare your spouse to someone else's husband or wife, out loud or in your head.
- Do not judge a marriage by thirty seconds of video.
- Do not post your marriage to prove it is happy.
- Do not expect your spouse to be perfect when you are not.
One last thing
Tonight, put your phone down ten minutes earlier and give those ten minutes to the person next to you. Ask them one question about their day, and listen to the whole answer.
Source: Sunan Abi Dawud 4811; Sahih Muslim 1469; Quran 4:19; Quran 30:21; Sahih al-Bukhari 2567; Sahih al-Bukhari 676; Sunan Abi Dawud 2578; Jami` at-Tirmidhi 3895; Quran 20:131; Sahih Muslim 2963; Sahih al-Bukhari 5740
SM
The teaching in this post comes from the Quran and the hadith listed above. I only put it in plain words. The tips on what to do and what not to do are my own advice. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.