How to handle arguments in your marriage
The message still not answered. The thing they said at dinner. The money talk you keep avoiding. They are not the same size, so stop treating them like they are.
You sent your spouse a message hours ago. Still no reply.
At dinner, they say something that stings.
And that money problem from last week? You still have not talked about it.
Three problems. But they are not the same size. Most of us react to all of them the same way, and that is how a small thing turns into a big fight.
Why do small fights get so big?
The dishes are in the sink. Nobody washed them. She says something small. He says something back. Ten minutes later they are both angry, and neither one could tell you what the fight is about.
Because the dishes were never the dishes.
When she brings up the dishes, she means: I am doing a lot here and nobody sees it. When he answers with his long day, he means: I am tired too, and nobody sees that. Both are asking the same question. Am I seen? Neither asks it in a way the other can hear.
And a fight like that does not end because someone wins. It ends because someone gets tired, or says something cruel enough to end it. Nothing was solved, so it comes back next week about something else. You are not having twenty arguments a year. You are having one argument twenty times.
What is the fight really about?
Underneath, it is usually one of three things.
I am doing more than my share. That is the tired one. It wants help.
You do not notice me. That is the lonely one. It wants attention, not help.
You do not respect me. That is the serious one. It wants an apology, and help will not fix it.
All three sound like complaining about housework. The wrong answer makes each one worse. So ask before you answer: are you upset about the dishes, or do you feel alone in this?
Where do I start?
With kindness. Allah tells husbands to live with their wives in kindness, and reminds them that something they dislike may still bring them a lot of good.
Living with kindness comes down to two things. Notice the good. And measure the problem before you react.
Most of us only speak up when something goes wrong. A good dinner, a clean house, the kids in bed on time: nobody says a word. So say it. Masha'Allah, that was really good. JazakAllahu khayran. Nabi ﷺ said whoever does not thank people has not thanked Allah. Your husband or wife counts.
How big is this problem, really?
Small: let it go. The message that took hours to answer. The joke that was not funny. Nabi ﷺ never complained about food. If he liked it, he ate it. If not, he left it. And he said if a husband dislikes one thing about his wife, there is something else about her he loves. The same is true the other way around.
Big: talk about it tomorrow. Money. The way you spoke to each other. Something that really hurt. These need a talk, just not today while you are angry. Nabi ﷺ said the helper Shaytan loves most is the one who comes back and says: I did not stop until I split a husband and wife apart.
So calm down first. Say a'udhu billahi min ash-shaytan ir-rajim. Nabi ﷺ said these words calm anger. If you are standing, sit down. Make wudu. Sleep on it. Then talk the next day, about what happened, not about who they are. When you said that in front of your mom, it hurt me. Not: you always embarrass me.
Very big: get help. If every talk makes it worse, bring in someone wise you both trust. Allah says when a couple is close to splitting up, bring one person from his family and one from hers. If they want to fix it, Allah will bring them back together.
Too heated: take a break. If someone might say or do something they will regret for life, take a few days apart and let it cool, then bring in help. And never raise a hand. Nabi ﷺ never hit a woman. Not once.
What should I remember in the middle of it?
There is always a second before the sentence comes out. Marriages are not usually lost in one big moment. They are lost in that second, five or six times, over years.
In that second, remember who this is. The person you once wanted so much that you changed your whole life to marry them. The one who has stayed through the year you were hard to live with.
The argument will be over by Thursday. The sentence will not be. Nabi ﷺ promised Paradise to whoever guards what is between his jaws, and he put the tongue first.
You can win every argument in your marriage and still lose the marriage.
What to do
- Say one nice thing to your spouse today. Be specific.
- Before you complain, ask: is this small, big or very big? And which of the three is it really about?
- Sleep on the big ones. Start and end every hard talk with something good.
- Take ten minutes if you need them, and say you are coming back. Otherwise it looks like you walked out.
What not to do
- Do not bring up a big problem while you are still angry.
- Do not say you always or you never. They turn one bad evening into a permanent accusation.
- Do not bring up last month. Deal with tonight.
- Do not ever raise your hand. Walk out of the room instead.
One last thing
Aisha was asked what Nabi ﷺ was like at home. She said he kept busy serving his family until it was time to pray. In his own house, he was not keeping score.
Praise the good. Let the small stuff go. Talk about the big stuff when you are calm. The next time a fight starts, ask the one question first: is this about the dishes, or about something else?
Source: Quran 4:19; Sunan Abi Dawud 4811; Sahih al-Bukhari 5409; Sahih Muslim 1469; Sahih Muslim 2813; Sahih al-Bukhari 6115; Sunan Abi Dawud 4782; Quran 4:35; Sahih Muslim 2328; Sahih al-Bukhari 6474; Sahih al-Bukhari 6039
SM
These are my own opinions, based on what I have seen and what I have been through. It is completely fine for you to see it differently. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.