Marriage has six stages. Most couples quit at three.
The fighting stage is not the end of the marriage. It is the middle. Here is what comes after it.
Why did marriage get so hard, when it started so beautifully?
Somewhere in year two or three, a lot of people start to wonder if they married the wrong person.
Maybe you did not. Maybe you reached stage three, and nobody told you there were six.
What are the stages of marriage?
This six-stage picture is not from the Quran or hadith. It is a way of describing what most couples go through, and it helps to know where you are.
1. Attraction. Everything is exciting. You see the good and overlook the rest. This stage is real. It is also short.
2. Reality. Now you see the habits, the moods, the way they go quiet. Nothing has gone wrong. You are seeing the whole person instead of the best of them.
3. Conflict. The arguments start. What you expected and what you got do not match. Ego shows up on both sides. This is where couples panic.
4. Understanding. You stop trying to win every argument, and start asking what they are actually feeling and what they need from you.
5. Teamwork. You stop fighting each other and start fighting the problem together. The money, the in-laws, the tiredness. You two against it.
6. Sakina. Not perfect love. Peaceful love, with mercy and patience in it.
Stage three is not the end of the marriage. It is the middle.
Why do most couples quit at stage three?
Because they read it as the marriage failing. Most of the time it means the marriage is asking both of you to grow up a little.
Couples who quit at stage three often start again with someone else, and reach stage three again. Stage three is not about the person. It is about two people learning to live together.
The Quran speaks to exactly this moment: if you dislike something about your spouse, it may be something in which Allah has put a lot of good.
How do you get from stage three to stage four?
By paying attention instead of keeping score.
Nabi ﷺ told Aisha he could tell when she was pleased with him and when she was upset, from one word she used. That is stage four: noticing what they feel before you argue about what they said.
And he gave the stage two advice too: a believing man should not hate a believing woman, because if he dislikes one thing in her, he will be pleased with another.
What is sakina?
Allah says He created spouses for you so that you find rest in them, and placed love and mercy between you. That rest is sakina.
Notice the order. Rest comes at stage six, not stage one. You walk there.
What to do
- When you are in a fight, name the stage out loud: we are at stage three. It takes the panic out of it.
- Ask the stage four question: what do you need from me right now? Then wait for the answer.
- Pick one problem this month and attack it as a team. Not each other. The problem.
What not to do
- Do not decide the marriage is over in the middle of an argument. Decide nothing in the middle of an argument.
- Do not compare your stage three to someone else's stage one. Their photos are the attraction stage.
- Do not wait for the stage one feeling to come back before you put the work in.
What if it is not a stage, but harm?
None of this applies if you are being hurt. If there is violence, or you are afraid of the person you live with, tell someone you trust and get help. That is not a stage.
One last thing
Nabi ﷺ said the best of you is the best to his wife. Best at stage three, when it is hard. Anyone can be good at stage one.
Next time a fight starts, ask the stage four question before you say anything else.
Source: Quran 30:21; Quran 4:19; Sahih Muslim 1469; Sahih al-Bukhari 5228; Jami` at-Tirmidhi 3895
SM
These are my own opinions, based on what I have seen and what I have been through. It is completely fine for you to see it differently. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.