How to fix a marriage after a hard year
Most marriages that recover were not saved by one big conversation
Some marriages go through a year where nothing terrible happens and everything gets worse anyway.
You are still polite to each other. You are still doing the school run. But something went out of it, you both know it, and neither of you has said so.
Can a marriage really recover after a bad year?
Yes, and the Quran is on the side of trying.
When a wife fears her husband is turning away from her, Allah says there is no blame on them if they make peace between themselves. Then He adds three words: reconciliation is best.
Not a last resort. Best.
Is one big honest talk the fix?
People imagine fixing a marriage looks like one long conversation where everything gets said and something changes.
Sometimes that happens. Usually it holds for about four days before the ordinary week takes over again.
What actually changes a marriage is much less impressive. A hundred small ordinary things, done again and again, mostly without talking about them.
Your marriage did not go cold in one conversation. It will not warm up in one either.
Should I wait until I feel close again?
No. Almost everyone waits to feel close before they act close. It works the other way round. You act first, and the feeling catches up.
Make the tea. Ask how the thing she was worried about went. Sit in the same room with the television off.
It will feel fake for about two weeks. That is normal, and it does not mean it is not working.
Why should I be the one to go first?
This is the part people resist, because it feels unfair. Why me, when he did more damage than I did?
Maybe he did. But both of you waiting for the other one to move is exactly what the last year already was.
Nabi ﷺ said that when two Muslims fall out, the better of the two is the one who says salam first. The better one. Not the one who was wrong.
You are not admitting you were wrong. You are refusing to spend another year in a cold house to prove a point.
When do we need outside help?
When every talk makes it worse, or one of you has stopped trying altogether.
The Quran gives a way for this too: one wise person from his family and one from hers. If the two of you want to fix it, Allah says He will bring you together.
Asking for help is not failing. Waiting another year is.
What to do
- Pick one small thing and do it every day for a month, without mentioning it and without waiting for a reaction.
- Ask one real question a day. Not how was your day. What was the worst part of it.
- Find something to do together that has nothing to do with the house or the children, even if it is boring.
- If it is beyond the two of you, bring in someone wise you both trust.
What not to do
- Do not open with a list of everything they did wrong. That is not starting fresh, that is putting them on trial.
- Do not expect a result in a week. You are undoing a year.
- Do not treat one good evening as proof that it is fixed, or one bad evening as proof that it is not.
One last thing
Nabi ﷺ said Allah is gentle and loves gentleness in all things. In all things, including the parts of your marriage you are not proud of right now.
Tomorrow morning, make the first small move. Tea, a question, a salam. Then do it again the day after.
Source: Quran 4:128; Sahih al-Bukhari 6077; Quran 4:35; Sunan Ibn Majah 3689
SM
These are my own opinions, based on what I have seen and what I have been through. It is completely fine for you to see it differently. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.