What if my husband will not change?

He is not going to. What you can change is how you ask.

3 August 20263 Aug 2026 · 5 min read · Updated 27 September 202627 Sep 2026Share this post

It is nine at night. The children are asleep. You are at the sink, and he is in the next room with his phone.

You have told him what you need. Not once. A hundred times. Ask me how my day was. Notice when I am tired. Say something kind before I have to ask for it.

Nothing changes. So you stop asking and go quiet. Or you keep asking, and it comes out angry. Now you are the tired one and the difficult one at the same time.

Can I change my husband?

No. Start here, because everything else depends on it.

You can ask him. You can explain. You can cry. He still only changes if he decides to. The Quran says Allah does not change what is with a people until they change what is inside themselves. That includes him.

One thing is fully in your hands: the way you ask. It sounds small. It is not.

Does the way I ask really matter?

Allah sent Musa (AS) to Pharaoh, the worst tyrant on earth. And He told him: speak to him gently, so that he might remember, or feel some fear.

If gentle words were the instruction for Pharaoh, they are the right tool for a husband who will not put his phone down.

What does asking well look like?

Here is the first way. Why do you never ask about my day?

He hears a complaint. So he defends himself. He tells you how busy work has been and how tired he is. Now the conversation is about him, and your day never comes up.

Here is the second way. I would feel loved if you asked me about my day.

There is nothing in that sentence to argue with. You have told him what you want and what it would mean to you. Most men will do it once they know exactly what it is.

You are not learning to speak differently so that you can manage him. You are doing it because the old way stopped working years ago.

Do husbands do this too?

Yes. A man says, you are always on your phone. What he means is, I miss you.

He says, you never cook anymore. What he means is, I miss sitting down and eating with you.

So this is not a lecture for wives. Whichever of you reads this first is the one who goes first.

What if it still does not work?

Some men hear it and change that week. Some take a year. Some never change.

If it does not work, you will tell yourself you asked wrong. That is not true. Ask well because that is how you speak to someone you love, not as a trick.

Then hand the rest to Allah. Hearts are in His hands. Nabi ﷺ used to pray: O Turner of hearts, keep my heart firm on Your religion. Allah says He is near, and He answers the one who calls.

So make dua for your husband, by name, when he is not there. Nabi ﷺ said when you pray for someone in their absence, an angel says: and the same for you.

And whether your husband notices you or not, your worth was settled by Allah long before he met you.

What if he is hurting me?

Then none of this applies. If there is violence, or you are afraid of the person you live with, tell someone you trust and get help.

One last thing

Nabi ﷺ said the best of you is the one who is best to his wife. Best to her. Not best once she behaves.

This week, ask for one thing the second way. Then make dua for him that night.

Source: Quran 13:11; Quran 20:44; Jami` at-Tirmidhi 2140 (sahih per al-Albani, daif per Zubair Ali Zai); Quran 2:186; Sahih Muslim 2732; Jami` at-Tirmidhi 3895

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