How to stop focusing on your spouse’s faults
Everyone has them. The problem is what happens after you spot one.
She is late for everything. Or he cannot let a comment go. Or she spends without thinking. Or he goes quiet instead of telling you what is wrong.
You are not imagining it. It is real and it is annoying. And lately it is all you can see.
What does Islam say about a spouse's faults?
Nabi ﷺ said a believing man should not hate a believing woman, because if he dislikes one thing about her, there will be something else about her that pleases him.
Look at what that does not say. It does not say she has no faults. It agrees that she has them. It is telling you what to do about them.
The Quran says the same to husbands: live with your wives in kindness. If you dislike something about them, it may be that you dislike a thing in which Allah has put a lot of good.
Both are said to men. Both work exactly the same way for women.
How does a marriage go cold with nothing happening?
Something your spouse does starts to annoy you. So you notice it more.
Because you are noticing it, you see it more often. Because you see it more often, it starts to feel like the main thing about them.
Give that a year and you are married to a list of faults. You genuinely cannot remember what you liked.
Nothing happened. No betrayal. No big fight. You just kept looking at the bad parts.
Whatever you look for in your spouse, you will find. You pick which one every day.
Should I tell other people about their faults?
No. Nabi ﷺ said whoever covers the faults of others in this world, Allah will cover his faults on the Day of Judgment.
Your mother, your sister, your friends at work. Every time you tell them about your spouse's faults, the fault gets bigger in your own head, and in theirs. And they remember it long after you two have moved on.
Can I ever bring a fault up?
Yes. Covering a fault in front of others is not the same as never mentioning it to your spouse.
Pick one thing, not a list. Pick a calm moment, not the middle of an argument. Say it once, kindly, and then leave it with them.
Nabi ﷺ said gentleness makes everything it is in more beautiful. That includes the hard conversations.
Where does this not apply?
This is not about putting up with everything.
Cruelty is not a fault. Being frightened of your own spouse is not something to look past. Nobody should be told to focus on the good in a person who is hurting them.
This is about ordinary things. Being late. Being messy. Talking too much. Leaving cups everywhere. The kind of thing everybody has, including you.
What to do
- Name three things you would miss if they were gone. Do it during a bad week, not a good one.
- Say one of those three out loud this week. Something specific, not a general compliment.
- When something irritates you, ask whether it is a fault or just a difference. Most of it is a difference.
- Remember that somebody is currently putting up with your version of the same thing.
What not to do
- Do not collect evidence. If you are saving up examples for later, you have stopped living with them and started building a case.
- Do not complain about them to family and friends. Cover it, the way you want yours covered.
- Do not confuse this with staying quiet about real harm. That is a different subject, and this hadith is not about it.
One last thing
Read the wording again. He did not say she has no faults. He said if you dislike one thing, there will be something else you like. The good part is assumed to be there.
Tonight, write down the three things. Tomorrow, say one of them to their face.
Source: Sahih Muslim 1469; Quran 4:19; Sahih Muslim 2590; Sahih Muslim 2594
SM
These are my own opinions, based on what I have seen and what I have been through. It is completely fine for you to see it differently. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.