Your parents are getting older
When the same question comes for the fifth time
Your father asks you how to send a photo on his phone. You showed him last week. You showed him the week before that.
You show him again, but faster this time, and you sigh before you start. He notices. He says never mind, he will figure it out.
That small moment is what this post is about: looking after your parents once they get old.
Does the Quran talk about old parents?
Yes, directly. In Surah al-Isra, Allah says that if one or both of your parents reach old age while they are with you, do not say even “uff” to them. Do not snap at them. Speak to them gently.
Look at when that rule is set. Not when they are strong and running the house. When they are old, slow, and need you.
That is exactly when most of us run out of patience.
Why do they forget things and slow down?
Allah explains it in the Quran. He created you weak as a baby, then gave you strength, and after that strength He gives weakness and gray hair.
Some people, He says, are taken back to the weakest age, until they no longer know things they once knew.
So when your mother forgets the story she told you yesterday, she is not being careless. She is in the stage of life Allah described. If you live long enough, you will reach it too.
What does looking after them really look like?
Nabi ﷺ told a story about three men who were caught in the rain and took shelter in a cave. A rock fell and blocked the way out. Each man prayed to Allah by the best thing he had ever done for His sake.
This is what the first man had done:
1. He had very old parents and small children, and he looked after sheep for a living.
2. Every evening he brought milk home, and his parents always drank first, before his children.
3. One night he got home late. His parents were already asleep.
4. He did not want to wake them, and he did not want his children to drink before them. So he stood by their beds holding the milk until morning, with his children crying from hunger at his feet.
5. In the cave he said: Allah, if I did that only for You, open this for us. And Allah opened a gap in the rock, so they could see the sky.
Of everything he had done in his life, that is the deed he called on when he was trapped.
Can you ever pay them back?
A man once carried his mother on his back all the way around the Kaaba. Then he asked one of the companions: have I paid her back now?
No, he was told. Not even for one of the pains she felt giving birth to you.
That is not meant to make you feel hopeless. It means you stop keeping score. Whatever you do for them now is still less than what they did for you.
What if they were hard on me?
Some parents were not good to their children. That is real, and nothing here pretends otherwise.
The Quran even talks about parents who try to make their child worship others besides Allah. Do not obey them in that, Allah says. But still be kind to them in this life.
So kindness is still owed, even then. In a hard case it might look like short visits, calm words and clear limits. That still counts.
What to do
- Answer the same question the fifth time the way you answered it the first time.
- Visit or call without a reason, and sit with them with your phone in another room.
- Ask them about their life before you were born, and write down what they tell you.
- Take one job off their hands this week: a doctor's appointment, the shopping, a bill.
What not to do
- Do not sigh, roll your eyes or correct them in front of other people.
- Do not let money do the job of your time. Sending money is good, but they want you.
- Do not argue with them about who was right years ago.
- Do not put the visit off until a quieter week.
One last thing
The man in the cave did not do anything big. He held a cup of milk and waited.
This week, find your version of that cup. Make the call, sit down with them, and be patient when they ask again.
Source: Quran 17:23-24; Quran 30:54; Quran 16:70; Sahih al-Bukhari 5974; al-Adab al-Mufrad 11 (al-Bukhari; chain graded sahih by al-Albani); Quran 31:15
SM
The teaching in this post comes from the Quran and the hadith listed above. I only put it in plain words. The tips on what to do and what not to do are my own advice. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.