How should I treat my siblings in Islam?
Oldest, youngest or in the middle: what Islam asks of you with your brothers and sisters
Your sister sends a message in the family group chat. You read it but you do not reply. You have not really talked to her in months.
There was no big fight. You were both busy with work, marriage and kids. And there is an old argument that nobody ever finished.
This post is about how Islam wants you to treat your brothers and sisters now that you are adults, whether you are the oldest, the youngest, or in the middle.
Why do brothers and sisters stop being close?
Usually there is no big fight. You just talk less and less, until one day you realize you hardly know each other anymore.
When you were children, you lived in the same house and ate at the same table. Being close was easy. As adults, everyone moves out and gets busy. Now you have to make an effort to stay close, and nobody tells you that.
In many families, the parents keep everyone together. Your mother calls everyone, and everyone comes home for Eid. When the parents get old or pass away, brothers and sisters who never called each other directly can go years without really talking.
So do not wait for your parents to bring everyone together. Call your brothers and sisters yourself, now, while it is still easy.
Do I really owe them anything?
Yes. Nabi ﷺ said that if you want Allah to give you more and let you live longer, stay close to your family.
And when he told people who to help first with their money, he said: your mother, your father, your sister, your brother, and then your other relatives.
So your brothers and sisters come right after your parents. Before your friends, and before the people you work with. That shows how important they are to Allah.
What if I am the oldest?
The oldest child often ends up acting like a second parent, without anyone asking. You helped raise the younger ones, helped them when they were in trouble, sent money home, and fixed family problems. That is hard, and often nobody says thank you.
The Quran shows how important this is. When Musa (AS) was a baby, his mother hid him in a basket on the river and told his older sister to follow it. She walked along the river the whole way. When the basket reached Pharaoh's house, she found a way to bring her baby brother back to their mother.
Read the full story of Musa (AS) and his sister
When Musa (AS) was born, Pharaoh had ordered that every baby boy born to Musa's people be killed. His mother was afraid for him.
Allah told her: feed your baby, and when you fear for him, put him in the river. Do not be afraid. We will bring him back to you.
So she put him in a basket and let the river carry it away. Then she told his older sister: follow him.
His sister walked along the river, watching the basket from far away so nobody would notice her. The river carried the basket straight to Pharaoh's palace. Pharaoh's family found the baby, and Pharaoh's wife loved him and asked to keep him. The baby was now in the house of the man who wanted him dead.
Then the baby would not drink milk from any woman they brought to feed him. His sister was there, and she said: shall I tell you about a family who will look after him for you? That family was her own mother.
That is how Allah returned Musa (AS) to his mother, just as He had promised her, and kept him safe inside Pharaoh's own palace. His older sister was the one who made it happen.
Quran 28:4; Quran 28:7-13; Quran 20:40
Years later, Musa (AS) had to go and speak to Pharaoh. The first thing he asked Allah for was his older brother, Harun (AS), to be with him. Allah said: We will make you stronger with your brother.
Look at what they did. His sister did not try to control his life. She watched from far away, and she helped at the moment he needed it. Harun did not do the job for Musa. He stood next to him while Musa did it.
So the job of an older brother or sister is this: help when it matters, but do not try to control the younger ones' lives.
Nabi ﷺ said: he is not one of us who is not kind to our young and does not respect our elders. So the older ones must be kind, and the younger ones must be respectful.
If you are the oldest: protect the younger ones, but let them make their own choices. Give advice when they ask for it. Treat all of them the same. And when it becomes too much for you, tell someone. It is okay to ask for help. You do not have to carry everything alone.
If you are younger: your oldest brother or sister probably gave up things for you that you never saw. Say thank you. You can disagree with them and still be respectful.
What if we fight?
All brothers and sisters fight. Children fight over the TV. Adults usually fight about money, about who does more for the parents, about inheritance, or about something a husband or wife said.
Nabi ﷺ said a Muslim should not stay angry with his brother and ignore him for more than three days. And the better of the two is the one who says salam first.
He did not say the better one is the one who was right. He said the better one is the one who says salam first. Being right does not fix the relationship. Making the first move does.
He also said that the person who truly keeps family ties is not the one who is only kind when others are kind to him. It is the one who stays in touch even when the other person does not.
Some things that help: Talk to your brother or sister directly, not through your mother or the group chat. Tell them you miss them before you tell them they were wrong. Do not bring your husband or wife into the argument.
Be careful with money too. Allah tells believers to write down a loan, even between people who trust each other. Writing it down is not rude. It stops arguments about it later.
If you are the oldest and two of your younger siblings are fighting, do not take one side. Sit them down together and help them make up. Allah tells believers to make peace between each other.
Has it been years since you last spoke to your brother or sister? Then read this next: Can I cut ties with a relative in Islam?
What if my brother or sister really hurt me?
Sometimes a brother or sister does something that hurts you badly. It happened to Yusuf (AS). His brothers were jealous of him, so they threw him into a well and left him there.
Many years later, they came to him and asked for his help. He was powerful by then and could have punished them. Instead he said: no blame on you today. May Allah forgive you. And when he told his father what happened, he did not blame his brothers. He said Shaytan had come between them.
What can we learn from this? Yusuf (AS) did not decide his brothers were bad people because of the worst thing they did. He blamed Shaytan for what came between them. Because he forgave them, his family came back together.
Forgiving someone does not mean saying it never happened. It means you stop letting it ruin your relationship for the rest of your life.
Why do brothers and sisters get jealous?
Often it starts at home. Yusuf's (AS) brothers felt their father loved him more. Today it sounds like this: why can't you be more like your brother?
Nabi ﷺ once told a father who had given a gift to only one of his children: fear Allah, and be fair to all your children.
If you are a parent, never compare your children to each other. If you are an adult and still feel this jealousy, remember that it was probably not your brother's or sister's fault. Talk about it honestly one time, and then forgive and move on.
What to do
- Message your brother or sister this week just to ask how they are.
- After a fight, say salam first, even if you think they started it.
- If you are the oldest, call the youngest this week. If you are younger, thank the oldest.
- Help them with money when they really need it, and write down any loan.
What not to do
- Do not wait for your parents to bring the family together.
- Do not count who called last.
- Do not bring your husband, wife or children into an old argument with your brother or sister.
- Do not compare your children to each other.
One last thing
Your parents will not be here forever. One day it will be only you and your brothers and sisters.
So start now. Call one of them this week and ask how you can help.
Source: Sahih al-Bukhari 5986; Sunan an-Nasa'i 2532; Quran 28:4; Quran 28:7-13; Quran 20:40; Quran 20:29-32; Quran 28:34-35; Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1919; Sahih al-Bukhari 6077; Sahih al-Bukhari 5991; Quran 2:282; Quran 49:10; Quran 12:8-9; Quran 12:89-92; Quran 12:100; Sahih al-Bukhari 2587
SM
The teaching in this post comes from the Quran and the hadith listed above. I only put it in plain words. The tips on what to do and what not to do are my own advice. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.