Can I cut ties with a relative in Islam?
You are both waiting for the other one to go first
There is someone in your family you have not really spoken to in years. A brother. An uncle. Your sister in law.
You can still tell the whole story of what happened. In your version, you did nothing wrong.
They can tell it too. In theirs, you did.
So can you just leave it there? Can you cut ties with a relative in Islam? The short answer is no. But keeping ties does not mean what most people think, and it never means putting yourself in harm's way.
How serious is cutting ties in Islam?
More serious than most family arguments feel.
Nabi ﷺ said the person who cuts off his relatives will not enter Paradise.
He did not say it is a shame, or that it would be nicer to make up. He put it with the sins that keep a person out of Paradise.
The Quran says the same. Allah warns that people who turn away from Him end up spreading harm on the earth and cutting off their own families. The next verse says those are the people Allah has cursed.
One of you may be right about the argument. Neither of you is right about five years of silence.
Why does Allah care so much about family ties?
Because He tied them to Himself.
Nabi ﷺ said the Arabic word for family ties, rahm, comes from one of Allah's own names, ar-Rahman, the Most Merciful. And Allah said to it: whoever keeps you, I will keep him. Whoever cuts you, I will cut him off.
In another hadith he said the family tie hangs from Allah's Throne, asking for exactly that.
So when you cut off your brother, it is not only between you and your brother.
What if they are the ones who cut me off?
This is where most people get caught.
Nabi ﷺ said the person who keeps family ties is not the one who pays back good with good. Anyone can do that. The one who keeps ties is the one who reaches out to the relatives who cut him off.
So the excuse almost everyone uses does not work. Waiting for them to go first is not keeping ties. Going first when they have not is the actual thing you are being asked to do.
A man once came to Nabi ﷺ with exactly this problem. He said: I keep in touch with my relatives and they cut me off. I am good to them and they are bad to me. I am patient with them and they are rude to me.
Nabi ﷺ did not tell him to stop. He told him that if it really is like that, the harm is on them, not on him. And Allah will keep helping him against them for as long as he keeps going.
Is there a time limit on not speaking?
Yes. Nabi ﷺ said it is not allowed for a Muslim to stay away from his brother for more than three nights, where they meet and both turn their faces away. The better of the two, he said, is the one who says salam first.
Three nights. Most family silences are measured in years.
What if the relative is harmful?
Keeping ties does not mean pretending nothing happened.
You do not have to go somewhere you are not safe. You do not have to lend money again to the person who never paid you back. You do not have to be close, or share everything, or leave your children alone with someone who has hurt them.
What you cannot do is cut them off completely. A difficult relationship is one thing. No relationship at all is what the warning is about.
So keep it at the level you can keep safely. A message at Eid. A call when someone is ill. Salam when you see them. Not being the reason the family has to plan two separate weddings.
If the harm is serious, like abuse, talk to a scholar you trust about your exact situation. Keeping ties never means putting yourself or your children in danger.
What do you get for keeping ties?
Nabi ﷺ said whoever wants more provision and a longer life should keep good ties with his relatives.
Blessing in your money and in your years, for picking up the phone to someone you would rather avoid.
What to do
- Send the short message, not the long one explaining your side. Short ones get answered. Long ones get read as an attack.
- Say salam first the next time you see them. Nabi ﷺ called that person the better of the two.
- Turn up where they will be. Being in the same room does more than talking about the argument would.
- Ask yourself whether seeing them is actually unsafe, or just awkward. Awkward is not a reason to stay away for five years.
What not to do
- Do not wait for the apology. You may well be owed one. You will probably not get it, and the years go by anyway.
- Do not send messages through other relatives. It puts them in an impossible position, especially the children.
- Do not bring up the original argument in your first message. That is not making up, that is starting round two.
One last thing
Think of the one person this post made you think of.
This week, send them one short message. Not about what happened. Just salam, and how are you.
You may be owed an apology, and you may never get it. Send the message anyway. That is what keeping ties means.
Source: Sahih al-Bukhari 5984; Sahih Muslim 2556; Quran 47:22-23; Sahih al-Bukhari 5988; Sahih Muslim 2555; Sahih al-Bukhari 5991; Sahih Muslim 2558; Sahih al-Bukhari 6077; Sahih Muslim 2560; Sahih al-Bukhari 5986
SM
The teaching in this post comes from the Quran and the hadith listed above. I only put it in plain words. The tips on what to do and what not to do are my own advice. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.