What if my parents hurt me?
You read “not even uff” and your first thought is: you do not know my father.
You read the verses about honoring your parents, and instead of feeling warm, you feel sick. Not even “uff,” it says. And your first thought is: you do not know my father.
This post is for people with abusive or toxic parents. It is about what Islam asks of you, and what it does not.
If you are being hurt right now, especially if you are a child or teenager still living at home, this post is not enough. Tell a teacher, an imam or another adult you trust, or call your local emergency number. Keeping yourself safe is not disobedience.
Does Islam say I have to put up with abuse?
No. Nabi ﷺ said there is to be no harming, and no harming back. That covers everyone, parents included.
Allah does not burden anyone beyond what they can carry. And parents answer to Allah for how they treat their children.
Nabi ﷺ said every one of you is a guardian, responsible for those in your care. When a father was unfair to one of his children, Nabi ﷺ told him: fear Allah, and be fair to your children.
Allah even tells believers to stand up for justice against their own parents. So if a parent did something wrong to you, you are allowed to say it was wrong. That is not being disrespectful.
So do I still owe them anything?
Yes. Kindness. But kindness is not the same as giving them full access to you.
In the Quran, Allah talks about parents who try to make their child worship others besides Him. That is the worst thing a parent could ask for. Even so, Allah says: do not obey them, but still be kind to them in this life.
Kindness can look like this: a short, polite call. A visit with someone else there. Help when they truly need it. A dua for them. It does not have to look like long visits, private conversations or sharing things they will use against you.
When his father threatened him, Ibrahim (AS) said peace be upon you, and then he moved away. Distance and kindness can go together.
Isn't keeping my distance the same as cutting ties?
No. Cutting ties means shutting them out completely out of anger: no greeting, no help, nothing.
Keeping distance to stay safe is different. You can still do the small things that keep the tie alive, from further away.
A man once came to Nabi ﷺ with a problem. He kept being good to his relatives, and they kept hurting him. Nabi ﷺ told him: if that is true, Allah will keep helping you, as long as you keep going.
Nabi ﷺ also said that keeping family ties does not mean being good only to people who are good to you. It means staying good to them even when they are not.
If even a short phone call puts you in danger, many scholars say you can cut contact down to the very least. Ask a scholar you trust about your own case.
What do I do with the anger?
You do not have to pretend it is not there. Making dua for them does not mean saying nothing happened.
Talking to a counselor, ideally one who understands your faith, is not a lack of faith. It is looking after what Allah gave you.
What to do
- Put your safety first. Tell someone you trust if you are being hurt.
- Keep contact at a level you can handle: short calls, visits with others around.
- Keep up the small kindnesses you can manage, like a greeting, help when they are in need, and a dua.
- Get help carrying it, from a counselor, an imam or a friend.
What not to do
- Do not believe that honoring your parents means accepting abuse.
- Do not cut them off completely out of anger if a safe, small tie is possible.
- Do not hit back or abuse them in return.
- Do not carry it alone for years.
One last thing
Allah sees what was done to you, and He sees how you answered it.
You can be kind from a safe distance. This week, decide what that looks like for you, and tell one person you trust.
Source: Quran 17:23; Sunan Ibn Majah 2340 (sahih per al-Albani, daif per Zubair Ali Zai); Quran 2:286; Sahih al-Bukhari 893; Sahih al-Bukhari 2587; Quran 4:135; Quran 31:15; Quran 19:47-48; Sahih Muslim 2558; Sahih al-Bukhari 5991
SM
The teaching in this post comes from the Quran and the hadith listed above. I only put it in plain words. The tips on what to do and what not to do are my own advice. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.