Have Muslims hurt you?

Maybe this is your story. Your father prays five times a day, but he shouts at everyone at home. An uncle told you off in front of the whole masjid for how you were dressed. A teacher hit you when you got a word of Quran wrong. Or, as a new Muslim, nobody at the masjid even said salam to you.

Then the question comes: if Islam is true, why are so many Muslims like this? Maybe the problem is Islam itself.

That is a fair question. It is not a sin to ask it. Many people who drift away from Islam do not leave because of an argument. They leave because of how people treated them. If that is you, this chapter is for you. We will look at what Allah and His Messenger ﷺ say about what happened to you.

The short answer

• Islam is perfect. Muslims are not. Allah says: today I have made your religion complete for you¹. The religion is complete. The people who follow it are still learning, and many fall short.
• Judge Islam by its sources, not by its worst followers. The sources are the Quran and the Sunnah (the way of Nabi ﷺ). If a doctor smokes, that does not prove smoking is healthy. It proves the doctor is not taking his own advice.
• What hurt you is often something Islam forbids. Harshness, lies, shaming, racism and abuse are all against Islam. When a Muslim did these things to you, he went against Islam. Islam did not go against you.
• Your link with Allah does not pass through any person. No imam, parent or aunty stands between you and Allah. You can turn to Him directly, any time.

Why do some Muslims act so badly?

Being Muslim does not make anyone perfect. Nabi ﷺ said: every child of Adam makes mistakes, and the best of those who make mistakes are those who repent². Some reasons Muslims let people down:

• Some know very little. A loud person is not always a learned person.
• Some mix culture with religion. They think the way their village did things is Islam.
• Some use religion for power. A few people use Allah's name to control others or to make money.
• Some are hurting too. People who were treated harshly often treat others harshly. That explains it. It does not excuse it.

Even in Madinah, in the time of Nabi ﷺ, there were munafiqun (hypocrites: people who said they believed, but did not). Allah says they claim to believe, but Allah bears witness that the hypocrites are liars³. The best community that ever lived still had bad people in it. That did not make Islam false.

And each person carries his own load. Allah says: no soul carries the load of another⁴. The person who hurt you will answer for what he did. You will answer only for what you do.

What does Islam say about how they treated you?

You may be surprised how strongly Islam stands against the very things that hurt you.

Against harshness

• Allah says to Nabi ﷺ: by Allah's mercy you were gentle with them. If you had been rough and hard-hearted, they would have run away from you⁵.
• Nabi ﷺ said: Allah is gentle, and He loves gentleness. He gives for gentleness what He does not give for harshness⁶.
• He told the Muslims: make things easy, not hard. Give good news, and do not drive people away⁷.

Against hurting people

• Nabi ﷺ said: a Muslim is the one whose tongue and hands other Muslims are safe from⁸.
• Aisha said: Nabi ﷺ never hit anyone with his hand, not a woman and not a servant, except when fighting in battle⁹.
• Nabi ﷺ said: the best of you are the best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives¹⁰. Being good at home is part of religion.

Against pride and hypocrisy

• Nabi ﷺ said: it is enough evil for a person to look down on his Muslim brother¹¹. That includes a new Muslim, a poor Muslim, or a Muslim of another color.
• Allah says: you who believe, why do you say what you do not do? It is very hateful to Allah that you say what you do not do¹².
• Nabi ﷺ told of a man who will be punished on the Day of Judgement because he told people to do good but did not do it himself¹³.

Islam agrees with you that what they did was wrong. Compare the way Nabi ﷺ taught. A new Muslim named Muawiyah ibn al-Hakam spoke out loud during salah, because he did not know it was not allowed. The people around him stared and slapped their thighs at him. Afterwards Nabi ﷺ explained it to him gently. Muawiyah said: I have never seen a better teacher. He did not scold me, hit me or insult me¹⁴.

What about an imam or teacher who hurt me?

Imams and teachers deserve respect. But they are human. A title, a beard, a hijab or a beautiful voice in Quran does not make anyone perfect.

• Scholars can be wrong. Nabi ﷺ said that when a judge tries his best and gets it right, he gets two rewards. When he tries his best and gets it wrong, he still gets one reward¹⁵. So even an honest scholar can make a mistake.
• No one can tell you to disobey Allah. Nabi ﷺ said: there is no obeying anyone in disobeying Allah. Obeying is only in what is good¹⁶. This is true for an imam, a teacher, a parent, a husband or a boss.
• Nabi ﷺ was angry with imams who pushed people away. A man said his imam made the prayer too long for him. Nabi ﷺ was very angry and said: some of you make people dislike good deeds. The one who leads should keep it short, because behind him are the sick, the weak and people with work to do¹⁷.

So if an imam shamed you, your first thought does not have to be "maybe Islam is like this". It can be: Nabi ﷺ would not have liked what he did. Then check what he said against the Quran and Sunnah, and ask another scholar you trust.

What is spiritual abuse?

Spiritual abuse means using religion to control, frighten, shame or harm someone. It can come from a parent, a husband or wife, a teacher, an imam or a group. Some examples:

• Saying "Allah will punish you" to force you into something Allah did not order, like a certain job or marriage.
• Hitting or terrifying children while teaching them Quran.
• Twisting a verse or hadith to excuse hitting, insulting or locking up a wife.
• A religious leader asking for money, secrets or a private relationship, and calling it part of religion.
• Telling you to keep quiet about abuse "to protect the family" or "to protect the masjid".

All of this is haram. In a hadith qudsi (Allah's words told by Nabi ﷺ), Allah says: My servants, I have made oppression haram for Myself, and I have made it haram between you, so do not wrong each other²². Using His name to wrong people is worse, not better.

Nabi ﷺ said: help your brother, whether he is doing wrong or being wronged. People asked how you help someone who is doing wrong. He said: by stopping him²³.

Allah also allows the person who was wronged to speak: Allah does not like bad things said out loud, except by someone who has been wronged²⁵. Telling someone who can help is not backbiting.

Is it Islam, or just culture?

Every family has a culture: food, clothes, language and customs. Most of that is fine. Islam only asks you to drop the parts that go against Allah. The trouble starts when culture wears Islam's clothes, and people cannot tell the two apart. The Quran warns against holding on to something only because "this is what we found our fathers doing"²⁶. Common examples:

• Forcing someone to marry. Nabi ﷺ said a woman is not to be married without her agreement²⁷. A woman named Khansa was married off by her father against her wishes. Nabi ﷺ cancelled the marriage²⁸.
• Racism, caste and colorism. These go against Quran 49:13. Even the Companion Abu Dharr once insulted a man by mocking his mother. Nabi ﷺ told him: you are a man who still has some of the days of ignorance in you²⁹. Islam corrected this even in its best people.
• "What will people say?" That is not an Islamic reason for anything. The question is: what does Allah say?

Often you were not hurt by Islam. You were hurt by a custom dressed up as Islam. See When culture and Allah disagree.

Nabi ﷺ was hurt by people too

If people have let you down, you are in good company. Some of the people who hurt Nabi ﷺ the most were his own people.

• His own uncle opposed him. Abu Lahab, his father's brother, openly worked against his message. A whole surah is about him³⁰.
• He had hypocrites in his own community in Madinah³¹.

Through all of it, he never left Allah, and he never became bitter or cruel.

Allah describes a person who says "I believe", but when people hurt him because of his faith, he treats what people do to him as if it were Allah's punishment³⁶. In other words, he blames Allah for what people did. Do not fall into that. Allah did not hurt you. People did. For more on his life, read the Seerah.

What we cannot fully explain

• We cannot know why a certain person did what he did. Only Allah sees inside the heart. Some are hypocrites, some are badly taught, some are carrying their own pain. We usually cannot tell which.
• We do not always see justice in this life. Sometimes the person who hurt you seems respected and fine. Allah says He does not wrong anyone by even the weight of a tiny speck³⁷. Every wrong will be put right, even if not here.
• Healing takes time. Feeling angry or sad for a while is human. It does not make you a bad Muslim.

What we do know is enough to stand on: Allah is just, Nabi ﷺ was kind, and the wrong done to you was wrong in Islam too.

What can you do now?

• Keep Allah and the person apart in your mind. Say to yourself: "He hurt me. Allah did not."
• Go back to the sources. Read the Quran with its meaning, and read how Nabi ﷺ treated children, women, servants, new Muslims and people who made mistakes. That is the Islam you are judging.
• Find good company. Nabi ﷺ said: a person follows the religion of his close friend, so look carefully at who you make your friend³⁸. A good friend is like someone selling perfume: even if you buy nothing, you leave smelling good³⁹. If one masjid hurt you, try another. Look for a kind teacher, a study circle, or a few sincere friends.
• Set healthy limits with harsh relatives. Even about parents who push their child toward shirk (worshipping others with Allah), Allah says: do not obey them in that, but stay with them in this world in a kind way⁴⁰. You can be kind and still keep away from what harms you. If a relative is abusing you, your safety comes first.
• Do not become what hurt you. Allah says: do not let your dislike of a people push you to be unfair⁴¹. Do not answer harshness with harshness.
• Do not decide that all Muslims are bad. Nabi ﷺ said: when a man says the people are ruined, he is the most ruined of them⁴². There are millions of kind, honest Muslims. Some of them are near you.
• Make dua. Our Lord, do not let our hearts turn away after You have guided us, and give us mercy from You⁴³.

If your doubts have grown beyond the people, read Is it normal to have doubts? and How to look for answers. For habits that protect your faith, see Keeping your faith strong.

Common questions

My father is very religious, but he is harsh with all of us. Do I still have to respect him?

Yes, stay respectful and kind to him. But respect does not mean obeying him in something wrong⁴⁴, and it does not mean accepting abuse. If you are being hurt, talk to someone who can help. See What if my parents hurt me?

I stopped going to the masjid because of how people treated me. Is that wrong?

Your hurt is real, and Allah knows it. But do not let a few people take the masjid away from you. It is Allah's house, not theirs. Try a different masjid, a different time, or a smaller circle. And keep praying at home in the meantime.

A religious leader I trusted turned out to be a fraud. How can I trust anything now?

It makes sense that you feel shaken. But your faith was never meant to rest on one man. It rests on Allah, the Quran and the life of Nabi ﷺ. This man being wrong does not make them wrong. Islam warned about people exactly like him⁴⁵.

I am a convert, and some born Muslims treat me like I am not a real Muslim. What do I do?

You are a full Muslim, with the same worth as anyone. Allah judges by taqwa, not by family or country⁴⁶. Look for people who welcome you. Many masjids have new Muslim groups. See our new Muslim page.

Is it wrong that I am still angry?

No. Anger at real wrong is human. Nabi ﷺ himself was angry when an imam pushed people away from the prayer⁴⁷. Just do not let it push you away from Allah, and do not let it turn you into someone who hurts others.

Sometimes I feel like leaving Islam because of how Muslims act. What should I do?

Take that feeling seriously and talk about it with someone kind. Then ask yourself: is my problem with Allah, or with people? If it is with people, leaving Allah means letting them take the most precious thing you have. If you also have questions about Islam itself, that is fine too. Start with How to look for answers.