Dignity first

Before any rule, Islam starts with respect. Allah created us all from a single soul, and from it its mate¹.

• Same worth. Allah made us into nations and tribes to know each other. The most honored of you with Allah is the one with the most taqwa (mindfulness of Allah), not the man or the woman².
• Same reward. Allah says: I will not let the work of any of you be lost, male or female. You are from one another³.
• Named side by side. One ayah lists believing men and believing women, the patient, the truthful, the fasting, and promises all of them a great reward⁴.
• Partners. Nabi ﷺ said: women are the counterparts of men⁵. He also said: the best of you is the best to his wife⁶.

So the rules in this chapter are not about one side being less. They protect the honor of both and keep hearts and families safe. The rules are few, and the rest of life is open.

Lowering the gaze

The first rule is for the eyes, and Allah gives it to both men and women, one after the other:

• Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and guard their private parts. That is purer for them⁷.
• And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and guard their private parts⁸.

Lowering the gaze does not mean walking with your eyes on the floor. It means: do not look at someone with desire, and do not keep looking at what is not yours to look at. Looking at a person you are talking to, in a normal way, is fine.

The first glance

Your eyes will sometimes land on something by accident. That is not a sin. Nabi ﷺ told Ali: do not follow one look with another. The first is for you, but the second is not⁹¹⁰. Jarir asked him about a sudden look, and Nabi ﷺ told him: turn your eyes away¹¹.

How Nabi ﷺ taught it

At Hajj, young al-Fadl was riding behind Nabi ﷺ. A woman came to ask a question, and al-Fadl kept looking at her. Nabi ﷺ gently turned al-Fadl's face away, and answered her question¹². No shouting, no shaming, and she was not sent away.

Why it matters

• Nabi ﷺ said that the eyes have their own kind of zina, and it is looking. The tongue's is talking, and the heart wishes. Then the body either does it or does not¹³.
• The same rule covers screens. Pictures and videos that stir desire are part of guarding the eyes. See Phones and the internet.

Nabi ﷺ also gave young people a practical tip: marry if you can, because it helps you lower your gaze. If you cannot yet, fast, because it calms desire¹⁴.

Who is a mahram

A mahram is a man a woman can never marry, because he is too closely related to her. With a mahram, the rules of this chapter are relaxed: she can be alone with him, travel with him, and be less covered in front of him¹⁵. Allah lists the closest relatives you may never marry¹⁶.

For a man, it is the same list the other way round.

Being alone together (khalwah)

Khalwah means a man and a woman who are not mahram being alone together in a private place, where no one can see them or walk in. This is clearly not allowed. Nabi ﷺ said: no man should be alone with a woman unless she has a mahram with her¹⁸¹⁹. He also said: when a man is alone with a woman, shaytan is the third²⁰.

Nabi ﷺ warned most about the people we relax with. Asked about the husband's relatives, like his brother, he said: the in-law is death²¹. The closest danger is the person no one watches.

What counts as khalwah

• Is khalwah: a closed room or office with the door shut, a house with no one else home, a private car ride with just the two of you, a hidden meeting.
• Is not khalwah: an open office, a shop, a classroom, a park, a busy street or train, a masjid with people around, a room with the door open where others can see in.

A short, unplanned moment, like a lift or a taxi, is lighter than a planned, hidden meeting. Keep it short and proper.

Avoid giving people the wrong idea

One night Nabi ﷺ walked his wife Safiyyah back from the masjid. Two men passed by and hurried on. He called out: wait, this is Safiyyah, my wife, because shaytan can put a bad thought in a mind²². Making things clear protects hearts and names.

Touching and shaking hands

Scholars agree that touching with desire, like hugging, holding hands or kissing someone you are not married to, is haram. They also agree that touch in a real need is allowed: a doctor or nurse treating a patient, saving someone who fell, helping someone in an accident. An accidental touch in a crowd is no sin at all.

The question people ask most is the handshake with someone of the other sex who is not mahram. Here there are two views.

View 1: avoid it (most scholars)

• This is the view of most scholars, past and present, and of the four schools for a young non-mahram.
• Their evidence: Aisha said the hand of Nabi ﷺ never touched the hand of a woman who was not his. He took the women's pledge with words only²³²⁴. He said himself: I do not shake hands with women²⁵²⁶.
• Some classical scholars, especially Hanafis, allowed it with a very elderly person where there is no desire at all.

View 2: allowed without desire where refusing harms

• Some scholars today allow a simple, short handshake, with no desire and no fear of temptation, when refusing would cause real harm: offending a colleague, a new Muslim's family, losing a job, or giving a bad picture of Islam.
• Their evidence: Nabi ﷺ not doing something shows what is best, but does not by itself make it haram. They also point out that a servant girl of Madinah could take Nabi ﷺ by the hand and lead him wherever she wanted²⁷.
• They agree it should not be started by the Muslim, and that avoiding it is better when it is easy.

Both views are held by real scholars. Follow a scholar you trust, and do not look down on a Muslim who follows the other view.

Work, school, university and the masjid

In Nabi's ﷺ time, men and women met in the market, the masjid and the street. When the men took up all his time, the women asked for a day of their own to learn, and he gave it²⁸. Islam does not ask for two separate worlds. It asks for good manners when they meet.

Good manners when men and women meet

• Lower the gaze, as above.
• Dress modestly, both men and women. See Clothing and covering.
• Speak properly. Allah told the wives of Nabi ﷺ: do not speak too softly, so that someone with a sick heart wants something, but speak in a proper way²⁹. Scholars take the lesson for everyone: be clear, polite and normal, not flirty.
• No khalwah, no touching with desire.
• Keep it about the work or study. Friendly is good. Flirting is where the line is crossed.

Scholars differ on how much mixing is good. Some say it is fine with these manners wherever there is a real reason, like work, study and medicine. Others prefer separate spaces wherever possible. Both want clean hearts. Follow a scholar you trust.

At the masjid

• Nabi ﷺ said: do not stop the women servants of Allah from the masjids of Allah³⁰.
• Men prayed in front and women behind. Nabi ﷺ said the best rows for women are the back rows³¹.
• After salah, Nabi ﷺ stayed in his place for a while, so the women could leave first without crowding at the door³².

So every masjid should give sisters a clean, welcoming space and a way to ask questions.

Talking and messaging online

Phones have made it easy to be alone together without being in the same room. A private chat late at night can do what a closed door does. Many scholars treat secret, flirty chatting like a form of khalwah.

• Talk for a reason. Work, study, a group project, a family matter: fine. Keep it clear and polite³⁸.
• Use group chats where you can, instead of one-to-one chats.
• The family test: would you be happy for your parents, your spouse, or their spouse to read it? If not, stop.
• No late-night chats, private photos, flirty voice notes or secret accounts.

The zina of the tongue is talk³⁹, and today much of that talk is typed. See also Phones and the internet.

When you want to marry: the halal way

Liking someone is not a sin. Feelings come, and Allah knows that⁴⁰. Islam does not ask you to kill the feeling. It shows you a clean road for it. Nabi ﷺ said: for two people who love each other, there is nothing like marriage⁴¹.

The steps

• Make your intention clear. If you are serious, say so, and bring it to the families. Allah says: do not make secret promises to each other⁴².
• Pray istikhara, the dua asking Allah to choose what is good. Nabi ﷺ taught it for every important matter⁴³.
• Look for good religion and character. Of wealth, family, beauty and religion, Nabi ﷺ told us to choose religion⁴⁴.
• You may look at each other. A man told Nabi ﷺ he was going to marry a woman. He asked: have you looked at her? Go and look at her⁴⁵. It is more likely to bring love between you⁴⁶.
• Meet and talk with family around, not alone. Ask the real questions. See questions to ask before marriage.
• Her yes matters. A woman may not be married without her consent⁴⁷.
• The nikah (marriage contract), with the wali (her guardian, usually her father), witnesses and the mahr (the gift to the bride).

The wali

• Most scholars (Malikis, Shafi'is, Hanbalis): the wali is required. Nabi ﷺ said: there is no marriage without a wali⁴⁸⁴⁹.
• Hanafis: an adult woman's marriage can be valid without her wali if the match is suitable. They still see the family's blessing as the best way.

Zina, and the open door

Zina means sexual relations between a man and a woman who are not married to each other. All Muslims agree it is one of the major sins. Allah says: do not come near zina. It is a shameful thing and an evil way⁵¹. He lists it with shirk and murder as things the true servants of Allah stay away from⁵².

Notice: do not come near. The rules on the gaze, khalwah, touch and chatting are fences that keep you far from the edge.

But the door is open

Right after that warning, Allah says: except those who repent, believe and do good. Allah will change their bad deeds into good deeds⁵³. And He says to everyone who went too far: do not lose hope in Allah's mercy. Allah forgives all sins⁵⁴.

• A man once kissed a woman who was not his wife, and came to Nabi ﷺ full of regret. Allah sent down: good deeds remove bad deeds⁵⁵. The man asked: is this just for me? Nabi ﷺ said: for all of my ummah⁵⁶.
• When a man came to Nabi ﷺ to confess zina, the first thing Nabi ﷺ told him was: go back, ask Allah's forgiveness and repent to Him⁵⁷. Private repentance between you and Allah is the way.

How to repent

• Stop the sin, regret it, and decide not to go back.
• Close the doors that led there: delete the chat, block the number.
• Do good: pray, give charity⁵⁸.
• Keep it covered. Do not tell people. Nabi ﷺ said everyone in his ummah can be forgiven except the person who sins at night, Allah covers it, and in the morning he tells everyone what he did⁵⁹.

If you fall again, repent again. Allah does not tire of forgiving.

Never shaming

Islam is strict about the sin, but it is gentle with people and very strict about people's honor.

• Cover, do not expose. Nabi ﷺ said: whoever covers a Muslim, Allah will cover him in this world and the next⁶⁰.
• Do not spread it. Allah warns those who love to see shameful things spread among the believers⁶¹. Forwarding a rumor or a screenshot is spreading it.
• Do not accuse. Accusing a chaste woman of zina without four witnesses is itself a major sin with a heavy punishment⁶². Guesses and gossip are not proof.
• The child is never to blame. No soul carries the burden of another⁶³. A child born outside marriage has the full dignity of any Muslim.
• Do not judge by looks. A sister without hijab may be closer to Allah than you think. Advise kindly and privately, or not at all. See she does not wear hijab.

Among the seven people in Allah's shade on the Day of Judgement is a man invited to sin by a beautiful, high-ranking woman, who said: I fear Allah⁶⁴. That is the goal, and it is about your own heart, not other people's.

Things people think are haram but are not

• Saying salam or hello to someone of the other sex, politely. The Companions used to greet an old woman they knew after Jumuah, and she fed them⁶⁵.
• A woman speaking to men for a need. Women asked Nabi ﷺ questions in front of men⁶⁶. Most scholars say a woman's voice is not something she must hide. The rule is the way she speaks, not that she speaks⁶⁷.
• Having feelings for someone. Feelings are not a sin. What you do with them is what counts⁶⁸.
• Seeing a doctor of the other sex when needed. Choose your own sex if it is easy, but health comes first.

For more, read things you think are haram and are not, and How halal and haram work.

Common questions

A new coworker of the other sex puts out her hand to shake mine. What do I do?

Most scholars say avoid it. Smile, hand on your chest, and say kindly that you do not shake hands. Some scholars today allow a short handshake with no desire if refusing would cause real harm. Follow a scholar you trust, and be gentle either way.

My manager wants to meet me alone in her office with the door closed.

Ask politely to leave the door open, or meet in a glass room or an open area. Most workplaces are happy with this. It protects you both.

Can my brother-in-law drive me to work every day when no one else is in the car?

He is not your mahram, and Nabi ﷺ warned most about in-laws⁶⁹. Try to have someone else ride along, or find another way. A short trip in a real emergency is different.

I like a sister at the masjid. How do I go about it?

Do not message her in secret. Talk to your family, or ask the imam or a trusted person to contact her family. If both sides agree, meet with family around, pray istikhara, and move toward the nikah.

Are my cousins my mahram?

No. Cousins can marry each other, so they are not mahram. Be kind and close as family, but the normal rules of covering and not being alone apply.

I did something with someone before marriage and I feel I can never be forgiven.

You can. Allah says do not lose hope, He forgives all sins⁷⁰. Stop, regret, close the doors, do good, and keep it between you and Allah. Do not tell people.