Why the tongue matters so much

Most of what we say every day is fine: greetings, work, news, a true joke. Talking is halal. This chapter is about the few kinds of speech Allah made haram, so you can enjoy the rest with a clear heart.

Nabi ﷺ gave us one simple rule: whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should say something good, or stay quiet¹.

• Every word is written down. Allah says: not a word does he say, but there is a watcher with him, ready².
• One word, said without thinking much of it, can please Allah and raise you, or anger Him and throw a person into the Fire³.
• Nabi ﷺ promised Jannah to whoever guards what is between his jaws and what is between his legs: his tongue and his private parts⁴.
• He took hold of his own tongue and told Muadh: hold this back. What people's tongues harvest throws many into the Fire⁵.
• A true Muslim is the one other Muslims are safe from, from his tongue and his hand⁶.

And the good side: Allah says speak kindly to people⁷. A good word is charity⁸, and it can even protect you from the Fire⁹.

Truth, and the sin of lying

Telling the truth is required, and lying is haram. All Muslims agree on this.

Nabi ﷺ said: truthfulness leads to goodness, and goodness leads to Jannah. A person keeps telling the truth until he is written with Allah as truthful. Lying leads to wickedness, and wickedness leads to the Fire. A person keeps lying until he is written with Allah as a liar¹⁰.

• Small lies count too. A mother called her boy: come, I will give you something. Nabi ﷺ said if she had not given him anything, it would be written against her as a lie¹¹.
• Passing on everything you hear is a kind of lying. Nabi ﷺ said: it is enough of a lie for a person to repeat everything he hears¹². Check before you share.

The few cases where scholars allow it

Umm Kulthum heard Nabi ﷺ say: he is not a liar who makes peace between people, saying good things or passing on good words¹³. In the report in Muslim, the narrator adds that he did not hear of any permission for what people call lying except in three cases¹⁴:

• Making peace is a great deed. Nabi ﷺ said it is better than extra fasting, prayer and charity¹⁶.
• Scholars differ on how far this goes. Some allow a plainly untrue sentence in these cases. Many others say it means words with two meanings (tawriyah): something true that the listener takes in a kinder way. Both views are held by real scholars.
• Scholars also allow an untrue word to save an innocent person from someone who wants to harm them. None of this allows lying to cheat, to escape a duty, or to hurt anyone.

Joking without lying

Joking is halal. Nabi ﷺ joked with people. They asked: you joke with us? He said: yes, but I only say what is true¹⁷. He once called Anas, as a joke: O you with two ears!¹⁸. True, and funny.

• Lying to make people laugh is haram. Nabi ﷺ said: woe to the one who talks and lies to make people laugh. Woe to him, woe to him¹⁹.
• He promised a house in the middle of Jannah to the one who leaves lying even when joking²⁰.
• Pranks that scare people are not allowed. On a journey, a Companion took a sleeping man's rope and frightened him. Nabi ﷺ said: it is not allowed for a Muslim to frighten a Muslim²¹. The same goes for "April fool" lies that upset people.

Backbiting and slander

Allah says: do not spy on one another, and do not backbite one another. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it. Then He ends: Allah accepts repentance, and is Most Merciful²².

Nabi ﷺ asked: do you know what backbiting is? He said: it is saying about your brother what he would hate. Someone asked: what if it is true? He said: if it is true, you have backbitten him. If it is not true, you have slandered him²³.

So ghibah (backbiting) is a true thing they would hate to hear. Buhtan (slander) is a false thing, which is worse: a lie and backbiting together.

• It is not only words. Aisha once pointed out that Safiyyah was short. Nabi ﷺ said: you have said a word that would spoil the sea if it were mixed into it²⁴. A gesture, copying how someone talks, or a text message can all be backbiting.
• On his night journey, Nabi ﷺ saw people with copper nails scratching their own faces and chests. Jibril said: these are the ones who ate people's flesh and attacked their honor²⁵.
• A Muslim's blood, wealth and honor are sacred to every other Muslim²⁶.

If you are sitting where it happens

• Listening and enjoying it shares in the sin. Change the subject, say something good about the person ("I am sure he has his reasons"), or leave if you can.
• Nabi ﷺ said: whoever defends his brother's honor, Allah will protect his face from the Fire on the Day of Judgment²⁷.

When speaking about someone is allowed

Islam does not ask you to stay silent when there is a real need. Allah says He does not like evil words said in public, except by someone who was wronged²⁸. Scholars list these cases where speaking about a person is allowed:

• Complaining of a wrong, or asking for help to stop it, from someone who can help: a judge, the police, a manager, an imam, a family elder.
• Asking for a ruling or advice. Hind told Nabi ﷺ her husband was stingy with her and the children. He did not stop her, and told her to take what was enough, fairly²⁹. Telling a counselor, scholar or doctor about a problem at home is the same.
• Warning and advice when asked. Two men proposed to Fatimah bint Qais and she asked Nabi ﷺ. He said one does not put down his stick (he was hard on women), and the other was poor. He advised her to marry Usamah, and she was happy³⁰. So when asked about someone for marriage, business or a job, tell the truth they need.
• Warning others about real harm, like a cheat or a dangerous person, so people are not hurt. Nabi ﷺ once called a man a bad brother of his tribe, then was polite to him when he came in³¹.
• A person who sins openly and proudly: mentioning that open sin is not backbiting, according to scholars. Their hidden faults are still protected.

Not backbiting: reporting a crime or abuse to people who can stop it, and an honest, fair review of a product or service that helps other buyers, without insults.

Carrying tales (namimah)

Namimah means taking what one person said and carrying it to another, to spoil things between them. It breaks families, friendships and workplaces. It is a major sin.

• Nabi ﷺ said: a tale-carrier will not enter Jannah³³.
• He passed two graves where the people were being punished. One of them went around carrying tales between people³⁴.
• Allah describes the person not to follow: one who swears a lot, is low, backbites, and goes around spreading tales³⁵.

When someone brings you a tale

• Do not believe it straight away. Allah says: if a bad person brings you news, check it first, so you do not harm people by mistake and then regret it³⁶.
• Do not pass it on, and do not go looking for more. Gently tell the person this is not good.

Cursing, insults and foul words

Nabi ﷺ said: the believer does not attack people's honor, does not curse, and is not vulgar or foul³⁷. He himself never used dirty words³⁸.

• Insulting a Muslim is sinful³⁹, and cursing a believer is like killing him⁴⁰. People who curse a lot will not be intercessors or witnesses on the Day of Judgment⁴¹.
• A curse goes up, finds the gates closed, and comes back. If the one cursed does not deserve it, it returns to the one who said it⁴². So do not curse people, children, animals, your car, or the weather.
• Insulting someone's parents is cursing your own. Nabi ﷺ said cursing your parents is a major sin, and explained: you insult another man's father and mother, and he insults yours back⁴³.
• Never call a Muslim a kafir (disbeliever). If you say it to your brother, it comes back on one of you⁴⁴.
• Foul and dirty words, swear words and rude jokes have no place in a Muslim's mouth. Allah hates the vulgar, foul-mouthed person, and nothing is heavier on the scale than good character⁴⁵.

Mocking and bad nicknames

Allah says: O you who believe, let no people mock other people. They may be better than them. Nor women mock other women. Do not insult one another, and do not call each other by bad nicknames⁴⁶.

• It is enough evil for a person to look down on his Muslim brother⁴⁷. Taqwa is in the heart, and only Allah sees it.
• Mocking someone's looks, weight, skin color, accent, disability, poverty, family or country is haram, even "just as a joke". Mocking other religions, groups or cultures is not our way either.
• A nickname the person likes is fine. Nabi ﷺ called Anas "the one with two ears" with love⁴⁸.

Swearing by other than Allah

An oath means saying "I swear by..." to show you are telling the truth. Nabi ﷺ said: Allah forbids you to swear by your fathers. Whoever swears, let him swear by Allah, or stay quiet⁴⁹.

• Swearing "on my mother's life", "on my children" or "by the Kabah" is not allowed. Nabi ﷺ said whoever swears by other than Allah has done kufr or shirk⁵⁰. Scholars explain this as minor shirk: a serious sin, but it does not take a person out of Islam.
• Said it by habit? Nabi ﷺ said whoever swears by Lat and Uzza (old idols) should say la ilaha illallah⁵¹. So say la ilaha illallah and keep working on the habit.
• Do not swear all the time, even by Allah. "Wallahi" in every sentence makes oaths cheap⁵².
• Breaking an oath, the kaffarah (payment to make up for it), vows and false oaths are explained in Oaths and vows.

Keeping secrets and trusts

Nabi ﷺ said: when a man tells you something and then looks around (to check no one heard), it is a trust⁵³. You do not need the words "keep this secret". If it is clear they did not want it spread, keep it.

• Betraying a trust is a sign of a hypocrite⁵⁴.
• As a boy, Anas kept a secret errand of Nabi ﷺ even from his own mother, and she told him: do not tell anyone the secret of the Messenger of Allah. Years later he still had not told it⁵⁵.
• Cover people's faults. Nabi ﷺ said: whoever covers a Muslim, Allah will cover him on the Day of Judgment⁵⁶.
• Private life between spouses, and the problems of your home, are a trust. Scholars warn strongly against telling others about them.

Arguing

Talking things through is healthy. Arguing to win is different: raised voices, digging in, wanting the last word. Nabi ﷺ said: the most hated person to Allah is the one who argues the most fiercely⁵⁷.

• He promised a house on the edge of Jannah to the one who leaves arguing even when he is right⁵⁸.
• The servants of the Most Merciful, when the ignorant speak to them, they say: peace, and walk on⁵⁹.
• When you do discuss religion, do it with wisdom and good advice, and debate in the best way⁶⁰. Say your view kindly, and let it go. Where real scholars differ, respect people who follow another view.

The tongue online

A comment, a post, a voice note or a forwarded message is speech, and anonymous accounts hide nothing from Allah⁶¹. Online words reach many people and stay for years.

• Check before you share. It is enough of a lie to pass on everything you hear⁶². Fake stories, fake hadith and rumors spread fast. Something small to you may be great with Allah⁶³.
• Do not expose people. Screenshots of private chats, posting someone's mistake, "calling out" a sister or brother in public: Allah warns those who love to see shameful things spread among the believers⁶⁴. Cover them, and advise privately.
• Comment sections: no insults, curses, mocking or calling people kafir. Disagree with the idea, not the person. If the talk is going bad, you do not have to reply.

More on phones and social media: Phones and the internet.

How to repent from backbiting and hurtful words

Allah ended the ayah on backbiting with hope: Allah accepts repentance, and is Most Merciful⁶⁵. Everyone slips with the tongue. Do not let shaytan tell you it is too late.

Why it matters to fix it

Nabi ﷺ asked: do you know who is bankrupt? He said: a person who comes on the Day of Judgment with prayer, fasting and zakat, but he insulted this one and slandered that one. His good deeds are given to them. If his good deeds run out, their sins are put on him⁶⁶. Hurtful words touch other people's rights, not only Allah's.

The steps

• Stop, feel sorry, ask Allah's forgiveness, and mean not to go back to it.
• Fix what you said. If it was a lie or slander, go back to the people who heard it and correct it. Speak well of the person in the places you spoke badly.
• Ask their pardon, if it is wise. Nabi ﷺ said: whoever has wronged his brother in his honor or anything else, let him ask to be forgiven today, before a day with no money, when good deeds are taken instead⁶⁷.

Do I have to tell the person?

• If they already know what you said, ask their forgiveness. Most scholars say this is needed.
• If they do not know, scholars differ. Some say you must tell them and ask their pardon. Many others say: do not tell them if it would hurt them or break the relationship. Instead, make dua for them and praise them where you backbit them. Both views are held by real scholars.
• A famous saying, "the expiation for backbiting is to ask forgiveness for the one you backbit", is a weak hadith. But making dua for them is good, and many scholars advise it.

Small habits that guard the tongue

• Pause before you speak or post: is it true, is it kind, is it needed? And leave what does not concern you⁶⁸.
• Nabi ﷺ was asked about being saved. He said: hold your tongue, let your home be enough for you, and cry over your mistakes⁶⁹.

Common questions

My coworkers backbite our manager every lunch. What do I do?

Do not join in. Change the topic, say something fair about the manager, or leave the table if you can. If there is a real work problem, it can be raised with the person who can fix it. That is allowed⁷⁰. Defending someone's honor is rewarded⁷¹.

A family is asking me about a man who proposed to their daughter. I know he has a bad temper. Should I say?

Yes. When someone asks for advice about marriage, tell them the truth they need, kindly and without extra details. Nabi ﷺ did the same for Fatimah bint Qais⁷².

My wife asks if I like her cooking. Honestly, it was too salty. Do I have to say so?

Kind words between spouses are one of the cases scholars allow⁷³. Many scholars advise gentle, true words: "Thank you, I love that you made this for me." Help with salt next time, kindly.

I say "I swear on my mother" by habit. Have I left Islam?

No. It is a sin of the tongue, called minor shirk, and it does not take you out of Islam. Say la ilaha illallah when it slips⁷⁴, and keep working on the habit. See Oaths and vows.

Someone posted a hurtful lie about me online. Can I answer?

Yes. You may defend yourself and correct the lie, because you were wronged⁷⁵. Do it calmly and truthfully, without insults. You can also report it, and leave the rest to Allah.