The questions you are too shy to ask before marriage
Money, anger, where you will live. Nabi ﷺ was not shy about any of it.
You are sitting across from someone your family introduced you to. It is going well. Then a question comes into your head. How much do they earn? Do they have debt? What are they like when they are angry?
You do not ask. It feels rude. Too early. Too much.
This post is about those questions to ask before marriage, for men and women, and why Islam never asked you to be shy about them.
Is it rude to ask about money and anger?
No. A woman once told Nabi ﷺ that two men had proposed to her. He did not tell her to be polite and not look too closely. He told her plainly: one of them is very poor, and the other is harsh with women.
That was Nabi ﷺ giving honest information about a suitor, before the marriage. If he could say it out loud, you can ask it out loud.
So what should you ask?
Anything that will shape your daily life after the wedding. For example:
Where this is going. Is this heading to marriage, and roughly when? Talking for months with no direction helps nobody.
Money. What they earn, what they owe, how they spend. Debt is not a small detail.
Anger. What happens when they are upset or stressed. Ask people who know them too.
Roles and responsibilities. Who works, who does what at home, what changes when children come, and who will care for parents as they get older.
Where you will live. With family or alone, and in which city. Would they move for work, or to another country? Would you?
Faith. Do they pray? What do they want the home to be like? (Here is how to actually check someone's deen.)
Children. Do they want them, how many, and roughly when?
Health and the past. Any serious illness, physical or mental, any medicine taken every day, an earlier marriage, children from before. These are things the other person has a right to know.
Intimacy. What each of you expects, in general terms, and anything that could affect it, like a medical problem. Keep it respectful and leave the details for after the nikah. If it feels too awkward to ask face to face, a parent or the imam can ask for you. Aisha praised the women of the Ansar because shyness did not stop them from learning their religion (Muslim 332).
Their family. How they treat their parents and siblings, and what they do when their family is unfair. More on that in the question nobody asks about his family.
The mahr. It is the wife's right. Allah says to give it to women as a gift, willingly. Talking about it is not greedy, and it is not rude.
Can I put what matters to me in the marriage contract?
Yes. Nabi ﷺ said the conditions most deserving to be kept are the ones agreed in the marriage contract.
If something really matters to you, it can be agreed before the nikah and written down. Scholars differ on which conditions are binding, so ask the imam who will do the nikah.
Should the families be involved?
Yes, and early. Nabi ﷺ said there is no marriage without a guardian, and most scholars hold to that.
Family is also a protection for both of you. Bring them in before you are attached, not after. They can ask the questions you feel shy to ask, and they can ask around about the other person.
How do you meet to ask all this?
With family around, not alone. Nabi ﷺ said a man should not be alone with a woman unless a mahram of hers is with her.
That does not make the conversation stiff. A parent or brother can sit in the same room, or nearby, while the two of you talk openly. It also means someone who cares about you hears the answers too.
Can I say no if my family likes them?
Yes. Nabi ﷺ said a woman is not married without her permission. One woman’s father married her to a man she did not want. She went to Nabi ﷺ and told him, and he canceled the marriage.
A man cannot be forced into a marriage either. If you cannot see yourself living with this person, say so now, kindly and clearly. Saying no before the nikah is much easier than a divorce after it.
Saying “I need time to think” is fine too. Pray istikhara, talk to people you trust, then decide.
Is it wrong to care about looks?
No. A man told Nabi ﷺ he had proposed to a woman. Nabi ﷺ told him to go and see her, because it makes it more likely the two of them will get along.
But he also said people marry for four things: money, family name, looks and faith. Choose faith, he said. And he told families that when a man whose faith and character they are happy with proposes, they should not turn him away.
Looks can matter. Faith and character have to matter more.
Does my dua end at the wedding?
For most people it does. The dua is: Allah, let this happen. After that, all the planning goes into the wedding day.
Nabi ﷺ had a dua he made for newlyweds, and it looks past the wedding: Barakallahu laka, wa baraka alayka, wa jama’a baynakuma fi khayr.
May Allah bless you, send His blessings on you, and bring the two of you together in goodness.
Ask for that for yourself. Not only a wedding, but a marriage that stays good.
What to do
- Write down your questions before you meet, so nerves do not make you skip them.
- Ask people who know them well: family, friends, coworkers, the imam of their masjid.
- Bring family in early, before feelings get strong.
- Pray istikhara, and take the time you need to decide.
What not to do
- Do not keep talking for months with no plan and no family involved.
- Do not hide debt, health problems or anything else that will affect the marriage.
- Do not say yes only because everyone else likes them.
- Do not take it personally when they ask you the hard questions. It means they are serious.
One last thing
Asking feels awkward for a few minutes. Not asking can cost you years.
If you are talking to someone right now, write down the three questions you have been too shy to ask. Then ask them this week.
Source: Sahih Muslim 1480; Quran 4:4; Sahih al-Bukhari 5151; Sunan Abi Dawud 2085; Sahih al-Bukhari 5136; Sahih al-Bukhari 5138; Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1087; Sahih al-Bukhari 5233; Sahih al-Bukhari 5090; Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1084 (hasan per al-Albani, daif per Zubair Ali Zai); Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1091; Sunan Abi Dawud 2130
SM
The teaching in this post comes from the Quran and the hadith listed above. I only put it in plain words. The tips on what to do and what not to do are my own advice. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.