Is it normal to lose the feeling in marriage?
That worries a lot of people. It should not.
Three years in, maybe five, something changes. You still care about her. But the feeling you had at the start is not there in the same way, and you notice it is missing.
Most people never say this out loud. They just quietly wonder whether they married the wrong person.
Is it normal to lose the feeling?
Yes. It drops for everybody. Then it comes back. Then it drops again.
A new baby. A bad year at work. Somebody gets ill. You are both tired for eight months and there is nothing wrong with either of you.
You did not marry the wrong person. Here is what is actually going on.
What two things did Allah put in marriage?
When Allah describes marriage in the Quran, He uses two words: mawaddah and rahmah. Love and mercy.
Mawaddah is the warm one. Wanting to be near her. Enjoying her company. That is the one you felt at the start, and the one you are missing now.
Rahmah is mercy. It is the quiet one, and nobody puts it on a wedding invitation.
Both were there from the beginning. You were only paying attention to one.
The warm feeling makes you want to stay. Mercy is what keeps you there on the days you do not.
What does mercy look like on an ordinary day?
Mercy is not a feeling. It is how you behave when the feeling is not there.
Not saying the sharp thing when you easily could. Doing the school run when it is not your turn, and never mentioning it. Deciding he forgot, instead of deciding he did not care. Nine times out of ten, he forgot.
Nabi ﷺ said a believing man should not hate a believing woman: if he dislikes one thing about her, he will be pleased with another. And the Quran says that you may dislike something in which Allah has put a lot of good.
None of that is romantic. That is the point. It works on the days romance is not available.
Does the feeling come back?
It does. But only to a house where somebody kept being kind while it was gone.
The couples who last are not the ones who feel more than everyone else. They kept being decent to each other through the flat stretch, so there was still something there when the feeling returned.
Nabi ﷺ was still speaking warmly of Khadijah years after she died. Aisha said he praised her so often that she felt jealous of a woman she had never met. That kind of love does not come from a feeling that never dipped. It comes from years of mercy.
What to do
- Do one small useful thing without mentioning it, and do not bring it up later either.
- In the flat months, act first and let the feeling catch up. It usually does.
- Assume the kinder explanation. He forgot. He is not trying to send you a message.
- Say what you appreciate out loud. She cannot hear the things you noticed quietly.
What not to do
- Do not treat a quiet month as evidence. Every marriage has them.
- Do not keep score of who was kinder this week. The moment you start counting, it stops being mercy.
- Do not save your best manners for people outside the house.
One last thing
The verse about love and mercy ends by saying there are signs in this for people who think. Not for people who feel it strongly. For people who stop and think.
This week, do one act of mercy you would normally skip. Then do another. The feeling tends to follow.
Source: Quran 30:21; Sahih Muslim 1469; Quran 4:19; Sahih Muslim 2435
SM
These are my own opinions, based on what I have seen and what I have been through. It is completely fine for you to see it differently. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.