How to understand your spouse better
Most marriages do not run out of love. They stop understanding each other.
A lot of marriages get to a stage where nothing is really wrong, and nothing is really good either. You are polite to each other. You split the jobs. You feel more like roommates than husband and wife.
People think that means the love has gone. Usually it has not. It got buried under stress, small resentments, and years of the two of you getting each other wrong.
Where did the love go?
Allah says He put love and mercy between husband and wife, and that it is one of His signs.
Love is the feeling. Mercy is what keeps you gentle with each other when the feeling is quiet. Most couples in roommate mode have not lost either. They have stopped understanding each other, so both get harder to find.
Why is the fight never about the fight?
Most arguments are not really about what you are arguing about. You are arguing about the trash. She is upset because she has been ill all week and you did not notice. The trash was just what was in front of her.
That is why winning does not help. You can be completely right about the trash, and she is still upset, because the trash was never the point.
What do most men actually want?
Not every man is like this. But a lot are.
Most men want a peaceful house. They want to feel they are doing a decent job. And they want their wife to be happy with them.
So when he is in a bad mood, his wife goes looking for a complicated reason. Usually the reason is simple. He thinks he is failing at something.
For most men, feeling respected by his wife changes more than anything else. When a man feels respected he gets softer, not harder. He is around more. He tries more.
Why does he go quiet?
When he goes quiet, or gets defensive, it is usually not because he does not care.
It is because he does not know what to do with what he is feeling, and going quiet is the only thing that has ever worked for him. His wife sees the silence and thinks he has stopped caring. Usually he is just out of his depth.
You are not going to react the same way as each other. Expecting that is how two people who love each other both end up feeling alone.
Is this only about understanding men?
No. Men get their wives wrong just as often.
She says she is fine, and he believes her. She wants him to listen, and he gives her a solution. She wants him to notice something without being asked, and he honestly did not see it.
How closely did Nabi ﷺ pay attention?
Very closely.
He told Aisha he could tell when she was happy with him and when she was upset with him. When she was happy she swore by the Lord of Muhammad. When she was upset, by the Lord of Ibrahim. He had noticed which name she left out.
And he listened. Aisha once told him a long story about eleven women who each described her husband, one after another, some kind and some cruel. He heard the whole thing to the end. Then he told her: I am to you as the best husband in that story was to his wife.
He did not interrupt with a solution. He listened, and then he answered the question under the story.
What to do
- If he goes quiet, ask him later instead of pushing now. Most men answer better an hour afterwards.
- Tell him one thing you noticed. Say you handled that thing with your brother well.
- Ask her whether she wants help or wants you to listen. One question, and it stops a lot of arguments.
- Before you decide they do not care, check whether you read it wrong. You did, more often than not.
What not to do
- Do not expect your spouse to react the way you would. They are not you.
- Do not read silence as not caring. Sometimes it is. Usually it is not.
- Do not wait for the other one to change first. Both of you waiting is how the last two years went.
- Do not think roommate mode is permanent. It changes faster than people expect.
One last thing
Anybody can pay attention the way he did. It costs nothing but the phone going face down.
This week, notice one small thing about your spouse's mood and ask about it, gently, before they have to tell you.
Source: Quran 30:21; Sahih al-Bukhari 5228; Sahih al-Bukhari 5189
SM
These are my own opinions, based on what I have seen and what I have been through. It is completely fine for you to see it differently. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.