5 quiet signs your marriage is in trouble
Five signs. Nobody is shouting in any of them.
If somebody asked you what was wrong at home, you would not be able to name anything. Nobody shouts. Nobody has done anything terrible.
And you still know something is not right.
What are the quiet signs a marriage is in trouble?
1. You stop telling her small things. Something funny happened at work. You tell somebody at work instead. You were not hiding it. She has simply stopped being the person you tell things to.
2. You handle her instead of talking to her. You wait for a good mood before you bring something up. You decide some things are not worth the trouble. You call it keeping the peace. It is closer to how you deal with a difficult customer.
3. Contempt turns up. Not anger. The eye roll. The sigh. Copying the way she talks to make someone else laugh.
4. You keep a list. Every time she lets you down it goes on the list, and nothing ever comes off. You know you have one if you can name three examples mid-argument, including one from two years ago.
5. The house is quiet and nobody is happy. No arguments, no tension, and no conversation. Two polite people sharing an address. Everybody thinks this is the good stage. It is usually the last one.
A quiet house is not the same as a settled house. Sometimes it just means both people gave up on being heard.
Why is contempt the worst one?
Anger says you hurt me. Contempt says you are beneath me. A marriage survives anger easily. It does not survive contempt.
Nabi ﷺ said that pride is refusing the truth and looking down on people. And the Quran tells believers not to mock one another, because the one being mocked may be better than the one mocking.
Rolling your eyes at your wife is a small version of exactly that.
What is wrong with keeping a list?
A list is a grudge that has been given a filing system.
Nabi ﷺ said that deeds are shown to Allah every Monday and Thursday, and He forgives everyone who does not associate partners with Him, except two people holding a grudge against each other. It is said: leave these two until they make peace.
Your list is holding back more than your marriage.
What is a wife owed, even on a cold day?
A man asked Nabi ﷺ what a wife's right over her husband is. He said: feed her when you eat, clothe her when you clothe yourself, do not strike her face, do not insult her, and do not cut her off.
Look at what is on that list. Not only food and clothes. Do not insult her. That was named as her right, fourteen hundred years ago.
Can it be turned around?
Yes. None of these five started with one big event, and none of them ends with one. Each one goes the same way it came: one small habit at a time. And the Quran says reconciliation is best.
What to do
- Tell her one small thing today that you would normally not bother mentioning. That habit comes back the same way it went.
- If you are waiting for her mood before you speak, say it once and see what happens. It is usually less than you feared.
- Catch yourself rolling your eyes. Contempt is a habit, so you can break it.
- Sort things out the week they happen, so they never make it onto the list.
What not to do
- Do not wait for a big argument to tell you there is a problem. The quiet ones do the damage.
- Do not assume that no arguing means everything is fine. Sometimes it means nobody thinks it is worth the effort any more.
- Do not tell yourself you will sort it out once things calm down. Things do not calm down on their own.
One last thing
Read the five again and pick the one that stung. Tonight, do the opposite of it once.
Source: Sahih Muslim 91; Quran 49:11; Sahih Muslim 2565; Sunan Abi Dawud 2142; Quran 4:128
SM
These are my own opinions, based on what I have seen and what I have been through. It is completely fine for you to see it differently. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.