How to stop shouting at your kids
They forget what you said. They remember how it sounded.
You were tired. He asked you the same question four times. You shouted at him.
He went quiet. An hour later you have forgotten about it. He has not.
Why does shouting stay with them?
Ask an adult what their parents taught them. You will get a few sentences.
Ask them what it felt like at home when they were small. You will get a lot.
That is the part that stays. Not the rules. Whether he could get something wrong in your house and still feel safe.
And children believe what their parents say about who they are. You lied to me is about the lie, and he can fix that. You are a liar is about him, and he will believe you.
Be strict about what he did. Never about who he is.
How did Nabi ﷺ treat children?
Gently, and in front of people.
He once kissed his grandson while a man sat beside him. The man said: I have ten children and I have never kissed one of them. Nabi ﷺ looked at him and said: whoever does not show mercy will not be shown mercy.
A boy named Anas served him for ten years, from when he was small. Anas said that in all that time Nabi ﷺ never once said a harsh word to him, and never asked him why did you do that, or why did you not do this.
Ten years with a child, and not one why did you do that.
Does gentle mean no rules?
No. The Quran tells parents to protect themselves and their families from the Fire. Teaching your children right from wrong is your job.
Children need rules. They are calmer when they know where the line is. A parent who cannot say no is not being kind.
But Nabi ﷺ said gentleness makes everything it is in more beautiful, and taking it out of anything spoils it. That includes the rules.
Harsh is not the rule. Harsh is the voice.
What do I do in the moment?
A man asked Nabi ﷺ for advice. He said: do not get angry. The man asked again, and again. Each time he said the same thing: do not get angry.
In practice that means waiting. Walk out of the room. Sit down. Drink some water. Whatever needed saying will still need saying in ten minutes, and you will say it better.
Then get down to his height and talk about what he did.
What if I already shouted?
You will get it wrong. Every parent does. Being tired is a reason. It is not an excuse.
What matters is what you do next. Most parents skip this part, because saying sorry to a six year old feels like losing control.
It is the opposite. Say sorry properly and he learns how to say sorry. He will not learn that anywhere else.
What to do
- Get down to his height before you say anything. It changes the whole conversation.
- Talk about what he did, not what he is.
- Say sorry when you were harsh. Just sorry. Do not add but you were.
- Let him finish his sentence. If you cut him off every time, he learns that what he thinks does not matter.
What not to do
- Do not tell him off while you are still angry. Wait. It will still need doing in ten minutes.
- Do not do it in front of other people. That part he keeps.
- Do not compare him to his brother or his cousin. It has never made a child try harder.
One last thing
Whoever does not show mercy will not be shown mercy. Nabi ﷺ said it about a man and his own children.
This week, the next time you feel it rising, leave the room for two minutes before you say anything. See how differently it goes.
Source: Sahih al-Bukhari 5997; Sahih al-Bukhari 6038; Sahih Muslim 2309; Quran 66:6; Sahih Muslim 2594; Sahih al-Bukhari 6116; Jami at-Tirmidhi 1922
SM
These are my own opinions, based on what I have seen and what I have been through. It is completely fine for you to see it differently. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.