Does fighting in front of your kids hurt them?
You waited until the door was shut. They knew anyway.
You waited until the children were in bed. You shut the door. You kept your voices down and argued in that low, tense way.
They knew. They always know.
And whatever you tell them about marriage later, they are learning far more from the one happening in front of them right now.
Do children really know when parents argue?
Yes. Children read a room faster than adults do.
They pick up what a disagreement sounds like, and whether it stays a disagreement or turns into something worse.
Whether the house goes quiet when one parent comes home, and which parent that is.
Whether people say sorry here. A child who never sees an adult apologize does not learn how, and one day his wife will pay for that.
Your daughter is learning what to put up with. Your son is learning what is normal. Nobody is telling them. They are just watching.
Is it better to hide every argument?
Most parents think the goal is that the children never see any conflict.
But what children learn from the whispering is that something is wrong and nobody will say what.
Shouting, insults and anything cruel should never happen in front of them, or at all. But an ordinary disagreement, handled well, is something they need to see. Let them watch you handle one properly, from the start to the end.
Why do they need to see the making up?
This is the part almost everyone leaves out. The children see the argument, because they always do, and then the two of you sort it out in private.
So they grow up having seen a hundred arguments and not one ending. They learn that arguments happen and never get fixed.
Let them see you say sorry. Let them see the two of you normal again afterwards.
What did Nabi ﷺ do when his wife was upset?
He noticed, and he was gentle about it.
He once told Aisha: I know when you are pleased with me and when you are angry with me. When you are pleased, you swear by the Lord of Muhammad. When you are angry, you swear by the Lord of Ibrahim.
She said: yes, but I only leave out your name.
He paid attention to her moods closely enough to notice one word change, and he raised it with a smile, not an accusation.
What does Islam say parents are responsible for?
Nabi ﷺ said every one of you is a shepherd, and every one of you will be asked about his flock. A man is the shepherd of his family. A woman is the shepherd of her husband's home.
That is not only food and school fees. What they learned about marriage in your house is also in your care.
The Quran gives parents a dua for this: our Lord, give us joy in our spouses and our children, and make us an example for those who fear You.
What to do
- Apologize in front of them when you were wrong. It teaches more than any advice you could give.
- Let them see the two of you being kind to each other on an ordinary day, not only on Eid.
- If they overheard something bad, say something afterwards. That was not okay, and we have sorted it out.
- Say the dua for your spouse and children, out loud, where they can hear it.
What not to do
- Do not use the children as messengers. Tell your mother I said no is a heavy thing to hand a child.
- Do not complain about your spouse to your children, at any age. It puts them in a position no child should be in.
- Do not assume the whispering worked. They knew.
One last thing
Your children will copy the marriage they grew up watching, good or bad.
The next time you two disagree and sort it out, make sure they see the sorting out too.
Source: Sahih al-Bukhari 5228; Sahih al-Bukhari 893; Sahih al-Bukhari 2409; Quran 25:74
SM
These are my own opinions, based on what I have seen and what I have been through. It is completely fine for you to see it differently. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.