Who is truly strong in Islam?
Being strong is not winning the argument. Nabi ﷺ said the strong one is the one who holds himself back.
Most of us think the big fight is with the people around us. The boss. The brother-in-law. The person who cut in front of you.
It is not. The big fight is with your own ego.
The Sunnah is very clear about what strength is. And it is not what we think.
Strength is not winning
Nabi ﷺ said, “The strong man is not the one who wrestles well. The strong man is the one who controls himself when he is angry.”
Read that again. Not the one who wins. The one who holds himself back.
A man came and asked Nabi ﷺ for advice. He said, “Do not get angry.” The man asked again. “Do not get angry.” He asked a third time. Same answer.
Being right is not the goal
Nabi ﷺ promised a house in Paradise to the one who gives up an argument even when he is right.
Even when he is right. That is the whole point. Anyone can stop arguing when they are wrong. The ego is the thing that keeps going when you are right and you know it.
Next time you are winning an argument with your wife, your husband, your father, stop. Let it go. There is a house waiting for that.
Pride does not get in
Nabi ﷺ said whoever has a mustard seed of pride in his heart will not enter Paradise.
A mustard seed. Not a mountain. Not a lifetime of arrogance. One seed.
Allah says His true servants are the ones who walk the earth humbly, and when the ignorant speak to them, they say “peace” and move on.
The ego wants to be right, to be seen, and to have the last word. The Sunnah wants none of those.
The Sunnah is also how you treat people
Following the Sunnah is not only about prayer and fasting. It is also about what you do with people. Five small things, and each one has a hadith behind it.
Smile. Nabi ﷺ said that smiling at your brother is charity. It costs nothing and it counts.
Say sorry. When you are wrong, say “I was wrong.” Say it clearly. This is the one the ego fights hardest, and that is exactly why it matters.
Forgive. Nabi ﷺ said that when you pardon someone, Allah only increases you in honor. And when you lower yourself for Allah, Allah raises you.
Listen. Let the other person finish. Do not use that time to prepare what you will say next.
Serve. Carry the bags. Make the tea. Do the job nobody will thank you for.
None of these are small. Nabi ﷺ said the best of you are the ones with the best character. Not the best argument. The best character.
What to do
- When you feel the heat rise, say nothing for ten seconds. Most of what the ego wants to say dies in that gap.
- Apologize first, even when it was sixty forty against you. Nobody has ever regretted being the first to say sorry.
- Do one thing for someone today that they will never know you did.
What not to do
- Do not say “but I was right.” Being right was never the prize.
- Do not mistake a quiet tongue for a quiet heart. Holding the words in is the start. Letting the anger go is the goal.
- Do not wait to feel humble before you act humble. Act first. The heart follows the hands.
One last thing
May Allah help us control our ego, improve our character, and make how we treat people a reflection of how Nabi ﷺ treated them. Ameen.
Source: Sahih Muslim 2609; Sahih al-Bukhari 6116; Sunan Abi Dawud 4800 (hasan); Sunan Abi Dawud 4091; Quran 25:63; Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1956; Jami` at-Tirmidhi 2029; Sahih al-Bukhari 3559
SM
The teaching in this post comes from the Quran and the hadith listed above. I only put it in plain words. The tips on what to do and what not to do are my own advice. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.