What is mahr, and how much should it be?
Who the mahr belongs to, how much it should be, and what the Prophet ﷺ did.
In many families, the mahr is the first thing people argue about. The two sides sit down, and soon someone asks: how much? Often the bride and groom have the least say.
So what is the mahr, who does it belong to, and how much should it be?
What is the mahr?
The mahr is money or a gift the husband gives his wife when they marry. Allah says in the Quran: give women their mahr as a gift, willingly.
It is a duty on the husband. It is not money for her family, and it is not money for the wedding.
Who does the mahr belong to?
Only to her. Her father and brothers can't keep it, and her husband can't take it back. If she chooses to give some of it back to him, that is her choice.
How much should it be?
There is no fixed amount. It can be cash, gold, or something useful like paying for her studies, as long as both agree.
A large mahr is allowed. But the Prophet ﷺ kept it simple.
A poor man once wanted to get married. The Prophet ﷺ told him to find something to give her, even an iron ring. He couldn't find even that. So the Prophet ﷺ married them for the surahs of the Quran he would teach her.
Look for something, even an iron ring.
An iron ring was almost worthless. The story shows how little can be enough, and that being poor did not stop him from getting married.
How much did the Prophet ﷺ give?
His wife Aisha said he gave his wives about five hundred dirhams of silver.
Later, Umar told people not to go too far with the mahr. He said that if a big mahr were something to be proud of, the Prophet ﷺ would have given one. He also warned that a man pushed into a huge mahr can end up resenting his wife.
Is the most blessed marriage the easiest one?
You may hear this quoted as a hadith: the most blessed marriage is the one that costs the least. Scholars say that wording is weak. But the sound hadith above say the same thing: keep the mahr simple.
What is a prompt and a deferred mahr?
Many couples split the mahr. Part is paid at the nikah. The rest is written down and paid later.
The later part is a debt he owes her, however many years pass. If no date was set, it is usually paid at divorce or at his death.
When Ali married Fatimah, the Prophet ﷺ told him to give her something on the day. Ali said he had nothing, so he gave her his armor.
What happens to the mahr in a divorce?
If they have lived together as husband and wife, the full mahr is hers. If they divorce before that, she gets half, unless she lets it go.
If she is the one who wants to leave, she can give the mahr back to end the marriage.
What if her family wants a huge amount?
The mahr is her right, so her voice matters most. Her family can advise her.
But a number chosen to impress relatives is what Umar warned about. And a man who signs for more than he can pay starts his marriage in debt. It is fine to agree on a smaller amount before the nikah.
What to do
- Let her decide the mahr, after talking it through with her family.
- Agree on an amount he can really pay, and write it in the nikah contract.
- If part of it is paid later, write down how much and when.
- Give her something on the day of the nikah, even if it is small.
What not to do
- Do not let the families settle the number without the bride and groom.
- Do not set a huge mahr to show off or to test him.
- Do not treat her mahr as money for the wedding or for her parents.
- Do not sign for a mahr you have no plan to pay.
One last thing
If your nikah is coming up, sit down this week, the two of you with one person from each family. Agree on the mahr before anyone announces it, and write down what is paid now and what is paid later.
Source: Quran 4:4; Quran 4:24; Quran 4:20-21; Sahih al-Bukhari 5135; Sahih Muslim 1425; Sahih Muslim 1426; Sunan Abi Dawud 2106; Musnad Ahmad, from Aisha (weak per al-Albani, Silsilah ad-Da'ifah 1117, and Shu'ayb al-Arna'ut); Sunan Abi Dawud 2125; Quran 2:237; Quran 2:229; Sahih al-Bukhari 5273
SM
The teaching in this post comes from the Quran and the hadith listed above. I only put it in plain words. The tips on what to do and what not to do are my own advice. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.