What does a wife really want from her husband?
For most wives, the list is short: respect, small gifts, your attention and a calm home. Here is how the Prophet ﷺ showed each one.
Not every wife is dreaming of a bigger house or a new car.
Ask most wives what they want from their husband, and the list is usually short. It is mostly small things you could start doing tonight.
All most wives want is a husband who is ambitious, and keeps working hard to make their life better. A man whose life is built around his deen and his family. A man who shows respect, talks things through and tries to understand her, and her family too. And a peaceful home, where both of them do what they can to bring barakah (Allah's blessing) and sukoon (peace) into it.
The short answer: respect her, bring her small gifts, give her your full attention, and be the calm in her home. None of these cost much money.
The Prophet ﷺ said that the best men are the ones who are best to their wives. And he said that he was the best of all of us to his own wives. Here are four ways he showed it, and how you can do the same.
1. How do I show her respect?
Respect is how you talk to her, and how you talk about her.
Talk to her calmly. In the Quran, a wise father tells his son: lower your voice. Shouting at your wife does not make you stronger. It only makes her feel small.
The Prophet ﷺ was asked what a wife's rights are. One of the things he said was: do not say ugly or insulting things to her.
Respect her at home too, not only in front of people. Some men are kind to their wife at a family dinner and cold to her at home. She notices the difference.
Respect her family too. The way you talk about her parents tells her how you really see her.
And do not make fun of her in front of others, even as a joke. Allah tells us not to mock each other. If she would not laugh at it, it is not a joke.
2. Do gifts really matter?
Yes. But they do not have to be expensive. What she remembers is that you thought of her.
The Prophet ﷺ said: give each other gifts, and you will love each other.
It can be her favorite tea after a long day. A snack she likes, picked up on your way home. Flowers for no reason. A short note left in her bag.
The Prophet ﷺ kept showing love like this even after his first wife, Khadija, died. Whenever he slaughtered a sheep, he sent some of the meat to Khadija's friends. Aisha said he talked about Khadija very often.
Money you spend on your wife is never wasted. The Prophet ﷺ said you are rewarded for what you spend for Allah's sake, even the bite of food you put in your wife's mouth.
Working hard to give your family a better life is part of this too. It is the biggest gift, and Allah rewards every bit of it.
3. What kind of attention does she need?
Not hours of your time. Just you, fully there.
Many of us are at home but not really there. Our body is on the sofa, and our mind is in the phone.
When she talks, put the phone down. Look at her. Listen until she has finished.
And when something is wrong, talk it through. Do not go quiet for days. Try to understand how she sees it before you explain how you see it.
The Prophet ﷺ made time for this. Once, some men were showing their skill with spears at the masjid, and Aisha wanted to watch. He stood with her so she could watch from behind him. He waited until she was the one who chose to leave.
On a journey, he raced her on foot, and she won. Years later they raced again, and he won. He laughed and told her: this one makes up for that one.
For more on listening to her, read our post “3 things a wife needs from her husband”.
4. What does it mean to give her peace?
Allah says He made husbands and wives for each other so they can find peace in each other, and He put love and mercy between them.
The Quran's word for this peace is sukoon. A home with sukoon, where you both pray, forgive quickly and remember Allah, is a home with barakah in it.
Peace means she does not have to guess what mood you will be in when you walk through the door.
A man once asked the Prophet ﷺ for advice. He said: do not get angry. The man asked again and again. Each time, the Prophet ﷺ gave the same answer: do not get angry.
Had a bad day at work? Leave it outside. Sit in the car for two minutes before you go in. The Prophet ﷺ taught that when you feel angry, say: a’udhu billahi min ash-shaytan ir-rajim. It means: I ask Allah to protect me from Shaytan, the cursed one. Then walk in calm.
When she feels safe and calm with you, everything else in the marriage gets easier.
What to do
- Say one kind thing about her today, in front of someone else.
- Bring home something small she likes this week.
- Put your phone in another room for one hour this evening.
- Sit in the car for two minutes before you walk in after a hard day.
What not to do
- Do not raise your voice at her, even when you are right.
- Do not make jokes about her that she would not laugh at.
- Do not think a gift has to be expensive to count.
- Do not bring your anger from work into your home.
One last thing
Every wife is different. Not sure which of the four matters most to her? Ask her.
Then pick that one, and do it every day this week. She will notice.
Source: Jami` at-Tirmidhi 3895; Quran 31:19; Sunan Abi Dawud 2142; Quran 49:11; al-Adab al-Mufrad 594 (al-Bukhari; hasan per al-Albani); Sahih al-Bukhari 3818; Sahih al-Bukhari 56; Sahih al-Bukhari 454; Sunan Abi Dawud 2578; Quran 30:21; Sahih al-Bukhari 6116; Sahih al-Bukhari 6115
SM
The teaching in this post comes from the Quran and the hadith listed above. I only put it in plain words. The tips on what to do and what not to do are my own advice. If you want to talk about anything in this post, write to me at salam@sunnahdaily.com.
For a ruling on your own situation, please speak to a qualified local scholar. You are welcome to email me about it as well, and I will help if I can, or point you to someone who can.