Why manners matter

Many people think Islam is only salah, fasting and food rules. But a big part of Islam is how you treat people: how you greet them, visit them and live next to them.

• Nabi ﷺ said: the best of you are those with the best character¹.
• He said: whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him say something good or stay quiet, and let him be good to his neighbor and his guest².
• He said: do not think any good deed is small, even meeting your brother with a cheerful face³.

Most manners in this chapter are sunnah (the good way of Nabi ﷺ). You earn reward for them, and you lose nothing if you forget one now and then. A few are required, like replying to salam and not harming your neighbor. We say clearly which is which.

Salam: the greeting of Islam

The Muslim greeting is As-salamu alaykum: peace be upon you. The reply is Wa alaykum as-salam: and upon you be peace. It is the greeting of the people of Jannah: their greeting there is salam⁴.

Spread it

• Nabi ﷺ said: you will not enter Jannah until you believe, and you will not believe until you love each other. Shall I tell you something that will make you love each other? Spread the salam among you⁵.
• A man asked which part of Islam is best. Nabi ﷺ said: feed people, and say salam to those you know and those you do not know⁶.

The longer the greeting, the bigger the reward

A man said: As-salamu alaykum. Nabi ﷺ replied and said: ten. Another said: As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullah (and the mercy of Allah). He said: twenty. A third added wa barakatuh (and His blessings). He said: thirty⁷. That means ten, twenty and thirty good deeds.

Replying is required

Allah says: when you are greeted, reply with a better greeting, or at least the same⁸.

• Saying salam first is a sunnah. Replying is required.
• In a group, if one person in a passing group says salam, it counts for all of them. If one person in a sitting group replies, it counts for all of them⁹.

Who says salam first

Nabi ﷺ gave a simple order¹⁰¹¹:

• The one riding greets the one walking.
• The one walking greets the one sitting.
• The small group greets the large group.
• The younger greets the older.

This is good manners, not a reason to wait. If the other person does not start, you start. Nabi ﷺ said: the people nearest to Allah are those who say salam first¹².

More salam habits

• Arriving and leaving. Say salam when you join a gathering, and again when you leave. The first is not more important than the last¹³.
• Children. Anas greeted some boys he passed, and said Nabi ﷺ used to do that¹⁴.
• Homes. Say salam to your family when you walk in¹⁵. At someone else's home, do not go in until you have asked permission and greeted them¹⁶. Nabi ﷺ taught: ask three times, and if you are not let in, go back¹⁷. Today: knock or ring, wait, and do not keep pressing the bell.
• Men and women. Nabi ﷺ passed a group of women and said salam to them¹⁸. So a man and a woman may greet each other with salam. Scholars say keep it respectful and simple, and avoid it where it would lead to flirting.

Salam and non-Muslims

Allah does not forbid you from being good and fair to non-Muslims who have not fought you over your religion¹⁹. Saying hello, good morning, how are you to a non-Muslim neighbor or coworker is allowed, and it is good manners. Scholars only discuss the special words "As-salamu alaykum".

Starting with "As-salamu alaykum"

• Most scholars, including the four schools: do not start a non-Muslim with these exact words. Their proof: do not be the first to greet the Jews and the Christians with salam²⁰. Use a normal greeting instead.
• Some early scholars and some scholars today: starting with salam is allowed. They say that hadith was about a time of war. They point to the order to greet those you know and those you do not know²¹, and to Ibrahim, who said salamun alayka (peace be upon you) to his father who did not believe²².

Both views are held by real scholars. Follow a scholar you trust. Either way, a warm, normal greeting is always fine. Nabi ﷺ once passed a mixed gathering of Muslims, idol worshippers and Jews, and greeted them²³.

When a non-Muslim says salam to you

• Nabi ﷺ said: when the People of the Book greet you, say: wa alaykum, and upon you²⁴.
• The reason: some people then twisted the words into as-samu alaykum, "death be upon you"²⁵. Even then, when Aisha answered them with a curse, Nabi ﷺ said: gently, Aisha. Allah loves gentleness in every matter²⁶.
• Many scholars say: if a non-Muslim says salam clearly and kindly, you may reply in full, wa alaykum as-salam, because the reason for the short reply is not there, and Allah says reply with the same or better²⁷. Others say keep to "wa alaykum". Both are fine.

Shaking hands

Shaking hands when you meet is a sunnah.

• Qatada asked Anas: did the Companions of Nabi ﷺ shake hands? He said: yes²⁸.
• Nabi ﷺ said: two Muslims do not meet and shake hands, except that they are forgiven before they part²⁹.
• A man asked: when we meet, should we bow to each other? Nabi ﷺ said: no. Should we shake hands? Yes³⁰. So never bow to greet anyone.

Among men, and among women

• Men with men and women with women: shaking hands is a sunnah. All scholars agree. It is also fine with a non-Muslim of the same gender.
• Hugging. In that same hadith, Nabi ﷺ did not make hugging the everyday greeting. Many scholars still allow a hug for a close friend or relative, especially when someone comes back from a journey.

Between men and women

This is covered in the Men and women chapter. In short:

• Most scholars: a man and a woman who are not mahram (close family you cannot marry) do not shake hands. Aisha said the hand of Nabi ﷺ never touched the hand of a woman he was not married to, even when women gave him their pledge³¹.
• Some scholars allow a short, polite handshake where there is no desire, for example with an elderly person, or where refusing would cause real harm at work.

If you do not shake hands, put your hand on your chest, smile and say: "nice to meet you. I do not shake hands, but it is nothing personal." Most people respect that. Never look down on someone who follows the other view.

Sneezing and yawning

Nabi ﷺ said: Allah likes sneezing and dislikes yawning³².

³³

• Only answer if they said Alhamdulillah. Two men sneezed near Nabi ﷺ. He answered one and not the other, and said: this one praised Allah, and you did not³⁴.
• A cold. A man kept sneezing. Nabi ﷺ answered him once, then said: the man has a cold³⁵. You do not need to answer every sneeze of someone who is ill.
• Cover your face. When Nabi ﷺ sneezed, he covered his face with his hand or his cloth and kept the sound low³⁶. Today: a tissue or your elbow.
• A non-Muslim who sneezes. Some Jews used to sneeze near Nabi ﷺ, hoping he would say "may Allah have mercy on you". He said: yahdikumullah wa yuslihu balakum, may Allah guide you and set your affairs right³⁷.

When you yawn

• Yawning is from shaytan, so hold it back as much as you can, and do not say "haaa" out loud³⁸.
• If it comes anyway, put your hand over your mouth³⁹.
• Yawning is not a sin. Nobody is blamed for being tired.

The rights of a Muslim on a Muslim

Nabi ﷺ said: a Muslim has six rights on another Muslim⁴⁰:

• When you meet him, say salam.
• When he invites you, accept.
• When he asks your advice, give him honest advice.
• When he sneezes and praises Allah, say Yarhamukallah.
• When he is sick, visit him.
• When he dies, follow his funeral.

In another hadith Nabi ﷺ also told them to help the one who is wronged and keep their oaths⁴¹.

• Invitations. Nabi ﷺ said he would accept an invitation even to a meal of a sheep's foot⁴². A wedding meal (walimah) has the strongest right: if you are invited to one, go⁴³. If something clearly haram is at the event, or you have a real reason, excuse yourself politely.
• Funerals. See The Janazah prayer, burial and grief.

Visiting the sick

Nabi ﷺ said: visit the sick, feed the hungry and free the captive⁴⁴.

• Whoever visits a sick person is in the fruit garden of Jannah until he comes back⁴⁵.
• On the Day of Judgement, Allah will say: son of Adam, I was sick and you did not visit Me. The person will say: how could I visit You, the Lord of the worlds? Allah will say: did you not know My servant was sick? If you had visited him, you would have found Me with him⁴⁶.

What to say

• Nabi ﷺ would say: la ba'sa, tahurun in sha Allah: no harm, it is a cleansing (from sins), if Allah wills⁴⁷.
• Say seven times: As'alullah al-Azim, Rabbal Arshil Azim, an yashfiyak: I ask Allah the Mighty, Lord of the mighty Throne, to cure you⁴⁸.
• Nabi ﷺ also said: Adhhibil ba's, Rabban nas, washfi, antash-Shafi: take away the illness, Lord of the people, and cure, You are the One who cures⁴⁹. The full duas are on the Duas page.

Good manners when you visit

• Scholars recommend: keep it short unless they want you to stay, bring hope and not scary stories, and ask what they need: food for the family, a lift, help with the kids.
• Non-Muslims too. A Jewish boy who served Nabi ﷺ fell ill, and Nabi ﷺ went to visit him⁵⁰.
• Men and women. When Abu Bakr and Bilal had a fever, Aisha visited them and asked how they were⁵¹. Scholars say visiting someone of the other gender is fine with proper manners, for example with family around, not alone.

For how a sick person prays, see Praying when sick.

Gifts

Gifts soften hearts. Nabi ﷺ used to accept gifts, and give something back in return⁵².

• No gift is too small. No woman should look down on a gift from her neighbor, even if it is a sheep's foot⁵³.
• Say thank you. If you cannot give something back, make dua for them⁵⁴. Saying Jazakallahu khayran (may Allah reward you with good) is the best of praise⁵⁵.
• Do not take a gift back. Nabi ﷺ said the one who takes back his gift is like a dog that eats its own vomit⁵⁶. Strong words, to show how ugly it is.
• Non-Muslims. Nabi ﷺ accepted a cloak from Ukaydir, a Christian ruler⁵⁷. Umar sent a gift to his brother in Makkah who was not yet Muslim⁵⁸.

Gifts at work

A zakat collector came back saying: this is for you, and this was a gift to me. Nabi ﷺ said: why did he not sit in his parents' house and see if anyone gave him gifts?⁵⁹. So a gift given to you only because of your job, as an official, buyer or inspector, can be a bribe in disguise. Follow your workplace rules. A small thank-you from coworkers, with no favor expected, is fine.

Neighbors

Allah tells us to be good to the neighbor who is close, and the neighbor who is further away⁶⁰.

• Nabi ﷺ said: Jibril kept telling me to be good to the neighbor, until I thought he would make him one of my heirs⁶¹.
• He said three times: by Allah, he does not believe. They asked: who? He said: the one whose neighbor is not safe from his harm⁶².
• Not harming your neighbor is required. Being generous to him is a great sunnah⁶³.

Simple ways to be a good neighbor

• Share food. Nabi ﷺ told Abu Dharr: when you cook a stew, add more water, and give some to your neighbors⁶⁴. Start with the one whose door is closest⁶⁵.
• Non-Muslim neighbors count too. Abdullah ibn Amr slaughtered a sheep and asked his family: did you give some to our Jewish neighbor?⁶⁶
• Do not harm: keep noise down at night, do not block their driveway, keep shared spaces clean.

Keeping promises

Allah says: keep your promises. You will be asked about them⁶⁷.

• Nabi ﷺ said the signs of a hypocrite are three: when he speaks, he lies. When he promises, he breaks it. When he is trusted, he betrays⁶⁸.
• Promises to children count. A mother called her little son: come, I will give you something. Nabi ﷺ asked what she meant to give. She said: a date. He said: if you had not given him anything, it would have been written as a lie⁶⁹.
• In sha Allah. Allah tells us to say "if Allah wills" about what we plan for tomorrow⁷⁰. It is about trusting Allah, not an escape. Saying "in sha Allah" when you have no plan to come is still breaking your word.
• When you truly cannot. If illness or an emergency stops you, it is not a sin. Tell the person early, say sorry, and make it up if you can.
• A promise to do something haram must not be kept. For oaths, see Oaths and vows.

Smiling and small charities

You do not need money to give charity. Nabi ﷺ said⁷¹:

• Your smile in the face of your brother is charity.
• Telling people to do good and to leave bad is charity.
• Moving a stone, a thorn or a bone off the road is charity.

He also said a good word is charity, and helping a man lift his bags onto his ride is charity⁷². Jarir said: every time Nabi ﷺ saw me, he smiled⁷³. A smile costs nothing, and it may be the only kindness someone gets that day.

Removing harm from the road

Nabi ﷺ said iman has more than sixty or seventy branches. The highest is saying la ilaha illallah, and the lowest is removing something harmful from the road⁷⁴.

Even the lowest branch can take you to Jannah. A man found a thorny branch on a path and moved it out of the way. Allah thanked him for it and forgave him⁷⁵.

Nabi ﷺ also taught the rights of the road: lower your gaze, do not harm anyone, return the salam, and tell people to do good and leave bad⁷⁶.

Today this can mean: picking up broken glass, not littering, not blocking the road or someone's driveway (including outside the masjid at Jumuah), and driving safely.

Respecting elders, mercy to the young

Nabi ﷺ said: he is not one of us who does not show mercy to our young and respect to our elders⁷⁷.

Older people

• Honoring a grey-haired Muslim is part of honoring Allah⁷⁸.
• Let the older one speak first. When the youngest of a group began to talk, Nabi ﷺ said: let the older one speak⁷⁹.
• Give them your seat, carry their bags, and be patient when they repeat themselves. For parents, see Your parents are getting older.

Children

• Nabi ﷺ kissed his grandson Hasan. A man said: I have ten children and I have never kissed any of them. Nabi ﷺ said: whoever does not show mercy will not be shown mercy⁸⁰.
• He said: I start the prayer wanting to make it long. Then I hear a baby crying, and I make it short, so it is not hard for his mother⁸¹.
• So say salam to children⁸², be patient with their noise at the masjid, and never shame them in front of others.

Bathroom manners

Islam even teaches manners for the bathroom. The full rules for cleaning yourself are in Istinja and toilet manners.

• Going in: say Allahumma inni a'udhu bika minal khubuthi wal khaba'ith: O Allah, I seek refuge in You from evil and evil beings⁸³. Scholars recommend going in with the left foot.
• Coming out: say Ghufranak: I ask for Your forgiveness⁸⁴. Scholars recommend the right foot first.
• Clean yourself well. Not keeping clean from urine is one of the causes of punishment in the grave⁸⁵.
• Do not reply to salam while using the toilet. Nabi ﷺ did not reply to a man who greeted him then⁸⁶. Reply when you come out.

Common questions

Someone sends "Salam" on WhatsApp. Do I need to reply?

Most scholars say a written salam should be answered too. Write "Wa alaykum as-salam". Writing it out in full is better than "ws".

My non-Muslim coworker learned to say "As-salamu alaykum" to me. What do I say?

Many scholars say you may reply in full, "Wa alaykum as-salam", since he means it kindly. Others say reply "Wa alaykum". Both are fine. Smile and thank him.

Someone said salam to me while I was praying.

Do not speak. Nabi ﷺ replied with a small sign of his hand while praying⁸⁷. Or simply reply after your salah.

My neighbor is rude to me. Do I still have to be good to him?

You must not harm him, even if he is rude. Being extra kind brings big reward, and it often softens people. If he truly harms you, you may ask the right people for help.

A non-Muslim neighbor gave us food for their holiday. Can we accept it?

Accepting gifts from non-Muslims is allowed. Nabi ﷺ did it⁸⁸. Do not eat anything that is haram for you, like pork or alcohol, and thank them warmly.